THE RAZZAMATAZZ FUN EBOOK
is a collection of sketches, stories, parodies,
humorous newspaper and magazine advertisements, quizzes, games, new book announcements, job applications, travel brochures,
restaurant menus, cookbooks, theme park ads, wedding lists, you name it you’ll probably find it inside. Plus an extensive
comic encyclopaedia. An example:-
Immensely successful Swedish pop group whose name is made up from the initial letters of their Christian names,
Agnetha, Bjorn, Benny and Anna-frid. A later Swedish pop group who used the same idea and whose Christian names were Tomas,
Wilhelmina, Arnie, Trudi and Stefan were not nearly so popular.
Within the many pages of The Razzamatazz Fun eBook, the first eBook of its kind, you’ll discover what it’s like to travel
with UneasyJet; answer the question Are you capable of bestiality; read about the latest blockbusters from Northern Books (they’re grand!);
enjoy a game of Lad’s Night Out, peruse the menu at top Indian restaurant A Passage to India, (and bottom restaurant A Back Passage to India)
and read your horoscope with Your Stars by Delma. An example:-
Aries MAY 22 – JUNE 22
With the Moon in Pisces, the Sun in Aquarius, Jupiter in Neptune and your husband in bed with the au pair, it could be a tricky week for the fairer sex. However those born under the sign of Aries are nothing if not optimistic, and with Jupiter being in Leo, Pluto being in Cancer, your bank balance being in the red, your jewellery being in hock, and you being in the shit, you really won’t have the time to worry about it’.
All this and much, much more.
LES DAWSON'S CISSIE AND ADA
‘I'm aching from laughing! Pure genius!’
‘What great acting and great scriptwriting!’
‘Was drinking a cup of tea when Ada (Les) said she was approaching the change. When Cissie (Roy) said "From which direction?"
I lost it as I spat a mouthful of tea across the room. Classic, brilliant comedy.’
‘What a scream...and doesn't this demonstrate how the so called comedians of today lack what it really takes to be a star... ’
‘Pure Magic! LOL Les.’
‘I remember I used to watch this with my grandfather as a kid. How we used to laugh. Comedy genius.’
‘Anyone who knows working class women of a ‘certain age’ will see the pure observatory genius of this stuff!’
‘Fantastic Les Dawson. Real class comedy, sorely missed.’
‘This is fantasic. Highly recommended. How did they keep their faces straight?’
The above quotes are just a few of the hundreds made by viewers of the Cissie and Ada sketches on YouTube.
Now you can read a selection of the scripts, exactly as they were written by Les's scriptwriter Terry Ravenscroft
(i.e., before some parts were cut because the sketches were overrunning the allotted time and before Les and Roy had added a few ad libs).
DEAR AIR 2000
Letters from the world's most troublesome (some would say troubled!) passenger.
Dear Air 2000 is a hilarious collection of correspondence to and from forty different airline companies. From a writer who
previously tickled your ribs with sketches on The Les Dawson Show, The Two Ronnies, Alas Smith and Jones, Not the Nine-O-Clock News
and The Morecambe and Wise Show.
Combines the comic audacity of Ali G with the put upon charm of Mr Pooter - David Renwick
An absolute must for anyone who has travelled by plane and been annoyed. A wickedy funny book - Rory McGrath
DEAR COCA-COLA Putting pen to paper with hilarious results, in the bestselling Dear Coca-Cola Terry Ravenscroft homes
in on the Food & Drink industry. Household names such as Heinz, Ryvita, Tesco, Cadburys and of course the Coca-Cola Company are the
targets for his entertaining epistles, resulting in a laugh-out-loud letters book with a difference.
From gripes about missing characters in a cartoon spaghetti dish to recommendations for made-up recipes
(including ‘Cock-of-Puddings’, inspired by a tin of Baxter’s Cock-a-Leekie soup), Dear Coca-Cola is a freewheeling
gag fest from start to finish.
This book should carry a government health warning – readers could very well die from laughing - R ry McGrath
Customers Services beware: Terry Ravenscroft is on the letter-writing warpath again - June Whitfield
ZEPHYR ZODIAC This is the story of a Mark 3 Ford Zephyr Zodiac from the time it rolled off the production linein 1962 until
it met its end in a car crusher in 2012, and how it affected the lives of seven of the people who owned it during that time. Read
how during its fifty years on this earth it was used as a company car, a family car,a wedding car, a funeral car, a taxi, a home,
a safe, a Classic Car, given birth in, stolen (more than once), used to have sex in (much more than once), and was instrumental
in giving its grateful owner his life back.
JAMES BLOND-STOCKPORT IS TO MUCH After foiling the plans of countless power-hungry villains bent on world
domination the bringing to book of the evil Dr Goldnojaws, who only wants to dominate Stockport, should present
no problem for top secret agent James Blond. However in addition to taking on Goldnojaws and his evil sidekick
BloJob, Blond has to wrestle with a prostate problem, so things aren’t quite as straightforward as he would have
liked. Then to make matters worse he starts having girlfriend trouble....with Pisa Vass, amongst others.
We couldn’t be meeting The Right Hon Hugh Pugh, MP, Secretary of State for Transport, at a worse time.
The next general election is only months away and it’s a racing certainty that following it he will
be out of a job. As things stand at the moment he can only just keep his head above water on his
ministerial income, plus what he’s still able to fiddle on expenses. With maintenance payments
to make to three ex-wives, three of his children at private schools, and the latest in a string
of high maintenance girlfriends to keep fed, shod and watered, his future doesn’t bear thinking
about. But fate now takes a hand when he inherits his late brother’s inflatable rubber woman factory.
Salvation! Hugh Pugh breathes a sigh of relief; a comfortable future is now guaranteed. However he
hasn’t reckoned with the twin forces of Vigilantes Against Sex Toys, and Elton Arbuckle,
an undergraduate reading Sex and Inflatable Rubber Woman Studies at Cleek University.
STAIRLIFT TO HEAVEN and STAIRLIFT TO HEAVEN 2 - FURTHER UP THE STAIRLIFT Don’t miss these! Although the Stairlift to Heaven books are written
by an old age pensioner, non-coffin dodgers should not be put off by this. Everyone will be old someday, if they’re lucky, and there are valuable
lessons in coping with old age to be learned here. Written by Terry Ravenscroft, former scriptwriter to Les Dawson, The Two Ronnies, Morecambe and Wise , Ken Dodd and many more top comedians, Stairlift to Heaven has been likened by one reviewer to be ‘Like Last of the Summer Wine on cocaine’ This journal really will make people of any age laugh out loud. An account of a bladder examination should not be funny, but it is in the hands of Terry Ravenscroft . Likewise a visit to a faith healer, a trip to the charity shops of York and a ‘trip’ of a very different kind.
In addition to the life of the writer, his good friend Atkins and his beleaguered wife ‘The Trouble’, the Stairlift to Heaven book contain many
helpful hints on how to deal with the things we encounter that seem designed to lower our quality of life. Junk mail? Terry Ravenscroft demonstrates
the perfect way to deal with it. A near neighbour’s front garden looks like a bomb site? It won’t for much longer if you deal with it the Ravenscroft way. Follow Terry’s advice and you will never be bothered again by tree surgeons, carol-singers, council officials, canvassers and anyone else who knocks uninvited on your door; telephone salespeople will never darken your phone again. And if you suffer from prostate gland trouble this is the book that gives you six useful things you can do while you’re waiting to urinate.
Not only very helpful but a laugh from start to finish. An Amazon Kindle Bestseller.
I couldn’t put it down – Andy Hamilton
I couldn’t pick it up again, for laughing – Barry Cryer
STAR TERK TWO A fifteen minute free download
excerpt from my award-winning BBC radio series of the same name. Listen to all
your old favourite Star Trek characters including Captain Kirk and Mr Spock -
although for reasons that soon become obvious they begin their first mission as
Captain Krik and Mr Pocks - as the intrepid crew once more do battle with
syntax and creatures in outer space, including their old adversaries the
Klingons, who even turn up one day on the Enterprise's starboard bow.
FOOTBALL CRAZY If meat pie millionaire Joe Price had never bought lowly Coca-Cola League Two side Frogley Town
and vowed to take them all the way to the top of the Premiership, if football fanatic Stanley Sutton hadn’t dyed his
dog Fentonbottom in the club’s colours, if team manager Big Donny Donnelly hadn’t had the acquisition of a mistress
as his main priority, if local radio presenter Dave Rave and Frogley Advertiser sports journalist Martin Sneed hadn’t
wanted to chase their dreams, if the inmates of the local lunatic asylum hadn’t numbered themselves among Frogley
Town’s keenest supporters and if Frogley police chief Superintendent Screwer hadn’t sworn to rid the town of football
hooligans, none of this would ever have happened. But unfortunately they all did. Football Crazy – a comic tale of
football, sex, madness, violence, and more sex. Football as you've never known it. If you like the books of Tom Sharpe you
will love this book by Terry Ravenscroft. Soccer as you've never known it before.
CAPTAIN'S DAY is a tale of Birdies, Bogies,Bunkers, Bunk-ups, Bereavement and Bad Language.
At Sunnymere Golf Club meticulous plans put in place by club captain Henry Fridlington and his good lady wife Millicent ought to have guaranteed that his Captain's Day would be the best day of his life. However Henry has recently enforced a strict 'no swearing on the golf course' policy, a policy which has not gone down at all well with the membership - and a policy which is largely instrumental, along with more than a little help from Henry himself, in ensuring that far from being the best day in his life his Captain's Day turns into the very worst day of his life. We will spend time with wayward hitter Dogleg Davies; Sylvester Cuddington, proud owner of a newly-modelled golf swing; club throwers supreme Dave Tollemache and Graham Burton; the orally challenged Rhys Jones-Jones; The Red Arrows; the weird and wonderful Phyllis Hill and the even more weird and wonderful Dance DJ Daddy Rhythm; police officers Fearon and James; firemen Jeffers and Blakey; helicopter pilot Green and film cameraman Morton; two young lovers; and members of the press and local radio. So welcome one and all to Captain's Day. Have a good round.
Better than sex – Lee Westwood
Not as good as sex – Tiger Woods
GOOD OLD GEORGE! A bleak future faces recently-demobbed World War Two soldiers Colin Arnfield and Ray Watson on their return to the
depressing north west town of Milltown, until fate takes a hand....Good Old George! is a 23,000 word novella, the first part of a trilogy
entitled The Comedians, in which three of the north of England’s most famous film comedians,
George Formby, Stan Laurel and Frank Randle touch the lives of three of their biggest fans, and change them forever.
CALL ME A TAXI Gary Allsop, a big Laurel & Hardy fan, is out of work, has a spendthrift wife and a bleak future - and then he meets Jim Moore, an even bigger Laurel & Hardy fan.
Call Me A Taxi, a 23,000 word novella, is the second part of The Comedians trilogy.
the comic story, in screenplay format, of the visit to Earth by five aliens
from the planet Kreeeg. Their planet is dying and it is the Kreeegans mission
to find a new world they can inhabit. The planet Earth is on the short list.
They very soon begin to wish it was on the long list.
BRIAN BROADSIDE Brain-cell challenged Brian
Broadside is Britain's most bigoted man. Think Harry Enfield's self-righteous
brothers, add a touch of Adolf Hitler and a soupcon of Oswald Mosley and you
have Brian in a nut shell. He should be in a nut house. But it takes all sorts,
as they say.
THE REAL ADRIAN MOLE is the diary of another, more
realistic adolescent than the other Adrian Mole, who the Real Adrian Mole would
probably call a wet, whinging twannock. Like the other Adrian Mole he is
obsessed with the size of his penis but unlike the other Adrian Mole he decides
to do something about it.
I'M IN HEAVEN I'm in Heaven is about a man who doesn't believe in God who dies and goes to heaven. It will spoil
it for you if I tell you any more. Besides, those wonderful people at Amazon allow you to read a few pages before purchase,
so if you're unsure about it you have nothing to lose by doing this except a few minutes of your time. The only other thing
I will tell you about it is that it is far from being the heaven that many people believe it to be - all sweetness and light
and lazing about on a white cloud with angels playing harps - but something far, far different. Oh, and Sir Michael Caine
is in it. And Robert de Niro. And The Beatles. And Jehovah's Witnesses don't like it at all.