Nigella Lawson

January 22 2002
Tuesday

I have recieved an e-mail from Nigella Lawson asking me to meet her in the school bikesheds at eight-o-clock on Friday nightfor wild sex. It is ninety nine point nine nine percent certain that it is a hoax, a cruel trick being played on me by somebody who is reading my diary and knows of my feelings for her. I am obviously going to disregard it.
When I arrived at the psychiatrist's office - or his 'rooms' as he calls them, although the only other room he's got in addition to his office is the bog as far as I can see - he had another psychiatrist with him. He told me that my case was a very interesting one indeed and did I mind if the other psychiatrist sat in. I said 'Sat in what?" Psychiatrist Two smiled and said that I had a very interesting mind, which he would like to delve into. I asked him why he felt that he needed to delve into it. Psychiatrist One told Psychatrist Two that this was a typical response to any question put to me, and I asked Psychiatrist One why he felt the need to tell Psychiatrist Two that I had just made a typical response to his request. Then Psychiatrist One left, probably to go to one of his other rooms, because I heard the lavatory flush a few minutes later, and Psychiatrist Two played a word association game with me. It involved him holding up pictures and me saying a word that I associated with the picture. For example the first one he held up was a picture of the sun, and I said 'Ibiza', which he seemed quite happy with - although if he'd held up a picture of a disco or a can of lager or a bit of fanny he'd have got exactly the same answer. Anyway he'd held up about ten pictures, and he kept nodding to himself and saying 'good', when he held up a picture of a cardie and I immediately said 'turd'. Naturally he wanted to know why a cardie reminded me of a turd. I said because it was turd coloured. He pointed out that the cardie was purple, and that turds were usually some shade of brown, and I told him I knew that but I found the thought of them being brown was absolutely revolting so I always thought of them as being purple, because it's my favourite colour. He's booked me in for another appointment next week.