Blind Date

154

     The sister who had grabbed Bond said: “This the bastard, Goldie?
     Goldnojaws had recovered somewhat by now. “Yes, that is James Bond,” he said, then he allowed his lip to curl in a smirk before adding: “Very soon to be the late James Bond.” He stabbed a finger at Bond. “Kill him!”
     “Too fucking right,” snarled the heftier BloJob sister, and grabbed hold of Bond and wrenched him to his feet as though he were a rag doll.
     “Wait!” cried Bond. “Before I die. Don’t you want to know how I killed BloJob?”
     It was a shot in the dark. Bond had managed to glance at his watch and saw that it was was three minutes to nine, just three short minutes minutes away from the time the first of the bombs was due to strike. His ploy might buy him those three minutes. It did.
     Goldnojaws held up a hand. “Stop!” He regarded Bond. “Well?”
     “I told her a joke”
     Goldnojaws was incredulous. “You killed BloJob with a joke?”
     From the depths of his mind Bond had recalled that along with the hundred one-liners supplied by the Blind Date scriptwriter ten all purpose jokes had been included. The third one would suit the present scenario perfectly, with a little personalising. “Yes,” he said. “I told her that one day a friend of Goldnojaws fixed him up with a blind date. When Goldnojaws turned up he found that the girl, although very beautiful, was well over six feet tall. They decided to go for a walk and despite their difference in height they got along famously. After they had been walking for about four miles the girl squeezed Goldnojaws’ hand and said ‘I like you’,
     Goldnojaws said ’And I like you.’
     The girl said ‘Would you like to make love to me?’
     Goldnojaws said ‘Yes Please’.
     The girl said ‘The problem is I only like to make love stood up’.
     Goldnojaws said ‘No problem, I’ll stand on something.’
     He looked around for something to stand on and spotted a discarded blacksmith’s anvil. ‘That will do fine,’ he said.
     So he stood on the anvil and they made love. When they’d finished the girl said ‘That was lovely, really lovely’.
     Goldnojaws said ‘It isn’t the size of the cannon it’s the force of the shot’.
     The girl said ‘We’ll do it again later if you like’.