Tesco

CHAPTER THREE

     Quickly dropping his trousers in the men’s toilet at the Tesco Stockport superstore Bond cursed Q for the umpteenth time that day. Things had started to go wrong from the moment he had entered Q’s office following his briefing by M.
     Over the years Bond had visited Q’s office almost as often as he’d visited M’s. This was the place where he picked up the tools of his trade. And what tools they were, devilishly clever tools dreamed up by Q’s team of boffins; shoes with false heels where anything from phials of poison to emergency currency could be secreted; a jacket whose lapels held a six inch stiletto and a skeleton key that could open any lock yet devised by man; a gun that looked like a cigarette lighter; and on one occasion, when Q had taken an Irishman onto his staff, a cigarette lighter that looked like a gun.
“Come in, come in Double-O-Seven,” Q, full of his usual bonhomie, said to Bond as he entered. “I’ve got some rather good news for you.”
     “Oh?” said Bond, wondering what ingenious aid to villain catching Q and his team had come up with this time.
     “Yes, it’s about the one-liners. We had to get rid of the fellow we engaged, obviously not up to the standard required.”
     Bond wasn’t about to disagree “I've heard funnier funeral services.”
     Q went on. “Did you ever see Blind Date, Double-O-Seven? It’s a TV show.”
     Bond shuddered at the recollection. “Once. For about five minutes. That was quite long enough.”
     “I’d better fill you in then. Basically it’s a sort of dating show. The idea is that a man has to choose a partner from a selection of three. Now he can’t see them, they’re behind a screen, hence Blind Date, and he’s to pick a mate on the basis of their replies to his questions. The man says something like ‘I’m into cricket in a big way so why should I choose you, Girl Number One?’ and she replies with something like ‘Because with me on your side you’re sure to bowl a maiden over’ or ‘Because I’m just the girl to draw your stumps, that sort of thing. All terribly smutty. And all heavily scripted of course. Well the thing is I’ve managed to acquire the services of one of the show’s scriptwriters to write your one-liners.”