Chewing gum

     While Goldnojaws had been on the phone Bond had taken stock of his office. The wall behind Goldnojaws’ desk was dominated by two five feet by five feet blown-up photographs of two insects. Bond recognised one of them as a crane fly while the other might be a grasshopper. As Goldnojaws replaced the phone he noted Bond’s interest. “Do you like the photographs of my little friends, Mr Band?” he said, swivelling round in his chair to look at them along with Bond. “The one on the left is a crane fly. Also known as a Daddy Long Legs. An insect of the family Tipulidae, order Diptera. A slender, mosquito like body and extremely long legs, usually found around water or abundant vegetation. The one on the right is a locust, a species of short-horned grasshopper of the Orthopteran family, Acrididae. They often increase greatly in number and migrate long distances in destructive swarms.” He turned to face Bond. “I take a keen interest in insects, Mr Band. Particularly so in the case of crane flies and locusts, which are my special favourites.”
     “Which is abundantly obvious from your knowledge of them,” said Bond, a man who could be as obsequious as the best of them when the occasion demanded.
     It was then that Bond was surprised for the second time since entering Goldnojaws’ office when the door suddenly opened and the gigantic Australian woman from the pub karaoke the other night came in bearing two cups of coffee.
     “This is my factotum, BloJob,” announced Goldnojaws. BloJob this is Mr Band.”
     BloJob smiled at Bond through the curtain of dangling corks. It was in no way a friendly smile. It was a smile of utter malevolence. She was dressed exactly as she had been at the karaoke but her appearance was now made even more gruesome by her chomping continuously and open-mouthed on a wad of chewing gum, the effect being as a load of concrete circulating in a cement mixer. BloJob loped over to Goldnojaws’ desk like some antipodean version of the Yeti and put down the cups of coffee.
     “That will be all, BloJob.” The factotum started to leave but Goldnojaws thought of something. “Oh BloJob?”
     BloJob turned. “Yeh?”
     “Did you get the flags?”
     She pulled a face. “Aw shit.” The pulled face didn’t make her look any more grotesque, but then it couldn’t have.
     Goldnojaws showed his annoyance. “You didn’t get the flags?”
     BloJob shrugged an apology. “ Forgot the little bastards, didn’t I.”