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 A RAILWAY CARRIAGE. CISSIE IS SEATED, READING A WOMENS MAGAZINE. ADA COMES DOWN THE GANGWAY CARRYING PACKETS OF SANDWICHES AND CARTONS OF COFFEE. SHE SITS DOWN NEXT TO CISSIE. CISSIE: You took your time, what kept you? ADA: I bumped into May Scattergood and her fancy man. CISSIE: Yes well that one's only as good as she should be. ADA: Just. CISSIE: So they're on an away day to London too, are they? ADA: More like an have it away day if I know her. The brazen hussy. CISSIE: Yes, and her husband dead for less than a month. ADA: I went to the funeral, you know. She couldn't get him in the ground fast enough. It's the first time I've ever seen a coffin arrive in an E-type Jaguar. (HANDS CISSIE A PACKET OF SANDWICHES) Here you are, there was a queue at the buffet and they'd nearly run out of everything so I couldn't get you what you asked for. CISSIE: Did you take pot luck? ADA: No it was engaged, and there was a queue for that as well. CISSIE: And they say this is the age of the train. ADA: This one must be about ninety three. CISSIE: That Jimmy Savile has a lot to answer for, hasn't he. What's that thing he says on that TV commercial - 'Let the train take the strain'? ADA: It's not the only thing that's taking the strain, these new corsets I got from Madame Hetty's are killing me. I think I'll take them off in the superloo before we go to the theatre. CISSIE: Ah, the theatre! I'm really looking forward to tonight. ADA: Me too. It'll bring back memories, because I was an actress myself once. CISSIE: You? ADA: Oh yes, when I was a girl, I was with the Collyhurst Strolling Players. CISSIE: Well I certainly didn't know you'd had experience on the boards. ADA: Oh yes, but only the once because I got splinters in my bottom and Bert complained it made his knees sore. CISSIE: (REMEMBERS) That's if we can get tickets for the theatre! I mean thanks to you we haven't got any, have we. I don't know why I ever agreed to let you send off for them after what happened the last time. ADA: What do you mean? CISSIE: I mean that time you sent off for tickets and we ended up with two seats for the Festival of Erotica. ADA: Well I thought it would be like the Festival of Britain. You know, with a Dome of Discovery. CISSIE: Well I discovered a few things I can tell you! ADA: And me. I'd never seen an ostrich in black leather before. CISSIE: Then against my better judgement I agreed to let you send off for tickets again. I still don't believe what you did. I mean you actually had the tickets in your hands, Ada. Two tickets for my favourite musical, The Sound of Music. Two of the very best seats in the orchestra stalls. And you sent them back with a note saying 'If I'm paying ten pounds for a ticket I'm damned if I'm sitting with the band'. ADA: Anybody can make a mistake Cissie. CISSIE: So now we shall have to try to get tickets for something else, because that's fully booked. I wouldn't mind seeing Cats myself, what do you think? ADA: No thank you, I see enough of cats at home. I could choke that one next door. You want to see the way it's affected the soil in Bert's potato patch. It's took all the chrome off his fork. CISSIE: Are you sure it isn't that new kitten of yours that's to blame? ADA: No, our kitten's no trouble at all now it's stopped leaving messages on the lino. CISSIE: Did you have it spayed? ADA: No I used a shovel. CISSIE: You see you wouldn't have any trouble with cats if you kept a dog like Leonard and I. ADA: Oh yes, you've got a pooch now haven't you. CISSIE: Prince is hardly a pooch, Ada. He's a pedigree Afghan hound. Actually we've got big hopes for Prince, there's already some other Afghan owners have requested his services as a stud. ADA: Fancy. CISSIE: And Leonard and I are thinking of showing him. ADA: Why, doesn't it know how to? I'll stand by with a bucket of water. CISSIE: Really Ada, you are the limit! You've got sex on the brain. ADA: Oh I wouldn't say that. CISSIE: Well I would! You think of nothing else. I remember when you filled in your passport application form. Against 'Sex' you put 'Once a night and twice on Sundays'. ADA: Well I didn't want to show off. CISSIE: I don't know why I associate with you, I really don't, much less accompany you to the London theatre. Particularly after that episode when we went to the ballet at Sadler's Wells. ADA: Oh it was beautiful, Swan Lake, wasn't it. CISSIE: Well I don't know how you'd know that I'm sure, you spent the entire evening gazing at the bulge in the leading man's tights. ADA: Well you must admit it was pretty impressive Cissie, I mean he was a big lad. CISSIE: For your information Ada what you were so enthralled by was his codpiece. ADA: His what? CISSIE: It was his codpiece. ADA: Well if it was it was the biggest fish finger I've ever clapped eyes on. |