Dear TAP Air Portugal

11 LonglandsRd New Mills STOCKPORT Cheshire SK12 3BL 17th May 1994 J Greenall Customer Services TAP Air Portugal Unit 10 Silver Jubilee Way CRANFORD TW4 6NG     Dear J Greenall     Reference your letter dated 10th May. The reason that you were unable to trace any record of my having travelled with TAP Air Portugal is because I am a rather famous writer, 'T Ravenscroft' being my nom-de-plume, and whenever I travel I always go under my real name. Actually I am surprised you haven't remarked on the fact and asked me for a signed photograph, people usually do. As a writer, could I pass on a little tip to you? Always try to put the words of a sentence in such an order that they do not lead to confusion. For example, in your letter you have written 'It is always recommended that passengers remain seated during a flight, except when using toilet facilities.' Anyone reading this could quite easily interpret it to mean that when using the toilet facilities they should not remain seated, in other words that they should stand up - which may be all very well in the case of a man having a number one, but would be distinctly tricky for him were he to be having a number two - and would be equally tricky for a woman having either. As far as the rest of your letter is concerned I am afraid that we must agree to differ. Bearing in mind your comment that you must also accede to passengers comments that not enough information is given, I suppose I must be grateful that as well as holding forth with spurious announcements about what can be seen through the windows, your Captain doesn't fill in the intervening time with a few songs - especially if he included 'I See The Moon' in his repertoire when someone was using the toilet standing up! Yours faithfully T Ravenscroft (Mr)