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Dads will love it!

New Mills Derbyshire

Brand New For The Year 2000! THE QUEUER. Queue in THE QUEUER for as long as you like! Saves you queuing up in all the other queues, with the added benefit that you don't have to go on anything when you get to the front of the queue. In fact there is no front to the queue, THE QUEUER being a revolutionary circular design concept that you can get on and off at any place and at any time you wish. Perfect for Dads who don't like going on white knuckle rides with their kids but don't like admitting it!

COMING SOON, DIRECT FROM AMERICA! THE BIG MASSIVE ONE! The world's highest, fastest switchback! We DARE you to go on this ride! Goes so fast you shit in the trousers of the person seated behind you! Unmissable! (Front seats extra)

THE RACK You are not allowed to go on some of our rides unless you are at least five feet tall. THE RACK takes care of that! (Do not go on this ride if you are a dwarf and you want to appear in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs next year)

Don't forget that our team of Daffy Daltons are here to help you. Especially you Dads. So if you want a rest from the kids for an hour just hand them over to the nearest Daffy Dalton and he'll return them to you two hours later, almost as good as new. And much better behaved! You can't miss Daffy Dalton, he wears a bright yellow boiler suit which very often has traces of blood on it.

			THE DROP 'EM This ride takes you up to a height of over five hundred feet, stops, then in under two seconds plunges you back to earth at a speed of over two hundred and fifty miles an hour, depositing you at the bottom while your breakfast and the rest of your stomach is still at the top! ( Warning! Girls should wear sensible knickers, wear a thong and you could end up as twins!)
	THE BLACKER THAN THE BLACKEST BLACK HOLE YOU HAVE EVER BEEN ON This is BLACK.. Your single-seater carriage descends 1000 feet deep down into the bowels of the earth, then travels left for 200 feet, then travels right for 200 feet, then travels up for 200 feet, before it finally comes to rest. It doesn't do anything then, but boy is it black! Three hours later you will swear it is even blacker! And by the time we bring you back up the following day even more black than that! And your mood will be even blacker, because all the time you've been down there we will have been playing Charlotte Church records at 120 decibels. NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN ON THE BLACKER THAN THE BLACKEST BLACK HOLE YOU HAVE EVER BEEN ON TWICE! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

BAD BOYS WATER DIPPER Kids will love this. The BAD BOYS WATER DIPPER doesn't just get you a bit wet so that you annoy your parents just a bit, it actually takes you completely underwater so that you are absolutely saturated and really get up their noses! Dads will love it even more because when it gets underwater it stays there for two minutes, so there's a good chance the little swines will drown.

THE MIND CHANGER This ride is designed especially for the boy who queues with his Dad for about three hours, then when they get to the front of the queue changes his mind and says that he doesn't want to go on. As soon as that happens a large arm with an even larger hand on the end of it zooms out from a handily placed Daffy Dalton and fetches the awkward little sod a clout round the earhole, sending him staggering through the entrance.