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LADS NIGHT OUT

The object of the game is to go for a night out with your mates, have a bit of a laff, get bladdered, then round off a great evening by getting your end away. Your route to a successful evening starts with your journey to the pub, then you proceed through getting bladdered to having an Indian, then going on to a club where you pick up a bird, then go back to her house and shag the arse off her. However lots of hazards bar the route to achieving this euphoric state. To help you overcome the hazards you have three PISS OFF GRANDAD! cards, which you may play at any time you aren't able to cope with them. But once you've played all your cards you're on your own. HAZARDS! OUTRAGED CITIZEN, who threatens to report you to the Police. POLICE CAR, whose occupants could be on the lookout for vandalism, but are more likely to be on the lookout for a kebab house, but you don't know which. Playing one of your PISS OFF GRANDAD! cards gets you off the hook, or give them the V-sign for extra bonus points, it's up to you.

STEP TWO - GET BLADDERED AT THE PUB. The object here is to have a laff while getting ten pints of lager down you as quickly as possible. Extra points can be earned by taking up any of the options below. OPTIONS (a) Not paying your round. (b) Taking the piss out of somebody less fortunate than yourself, i.e. a cripple, dwarf or Spurs supporter. (c) Groping the barmaid. (d) Dipping your dick in somebody's drink while they're not looking. (e) Stealing the condom machine from out of the bog. HAZARDS! If you are caught while attempting any of the options you are OUT OF THE GAME, unless you play one of your a PISS OFF GRANDAD! cards or drink another five pints of lager. If you are sick while doing this you are still OUT OF THE GAME, unless you have managed to be sick in somebody's pocket, in which case you gain ten bonus points.

STEP THREE - GO TO THE INDIAN. The object is to have another laff on the way to the Indian restaurant. OPTIONS (a) Pissing through somebody's letterbox. (b) Mooning to passing cars, especially to ones with women in them. (c) Crapping in somebody's goldfish pond. (d) Spewing your ring up on the pavement. (e) Spewing up somebody's goldfish through somebody else's letterbox HAZARDS! If you are caught whilst attempting any option beware of playing a 'PISS OFF GRANDAD!' card because in the Step Three area several people own a BOLLOCK BITING BULLDOG. If one of them got anywhere near you it would at best make you FILL YOUR TROUSERS and at worst bite you in the bollocks, either way it would quickly bring your LADS NIGHT OUT to an embarrassing end and put you OUT OF THE GAME.

STEP FOUR - AT THE INDIAN The object here is to behave in a generally offensive manner, especially to the waiters. OPTIONS (a) Call the waiter Sabu. (b) Call the waiter Gandhi. (c) Call the waiter a twat. (d) Call the waiter 'Waiter', then, when he smiles at you say: "Waiter….minute mate, you don't half remind me of that twat Gandhi." HAZARDS! Any of the waiters. The idea is to insult them just enough. Remember, they are probably friendly with the chef, who is in charge of the chilli powder, and overstepping the mark could lead to you having a very hot arsehole before you have had the chance to get your end away, and consequently OUT OF THE GAME.

STEP FIVE - GO TO A CLUB. The object in Step Five is simply to carry on behaving in the manner previously described, but worse. You will by now have stolen a traffic cone. OPTIONS Do any or all of the disgusting things you did in Step Three but make them more amusing, by improvisation. For example, when pissing through a letterbox you could use your traffic cone as a funnel. HAZARDS! Mooning to passing cars, having previously fallen foul of one of the Indian waiters and his friend the chef who is in charge of the chilli powder. If you crap whilst mooning you will not only be OUT OF THE GAME you will also be extremely embarrassed .

SIX - THE OBJECT HERE IS TO COP OFF WITH A BIRD. (a) Chat up a blonde. (b) Chat up a brunette. (c) Chat up a redhead (d) Chat up one of those numbers with a shaved head and about two pounds of facial furniture. HAZARDS! Lesbians! At least one blonde, brunette, redhead or bald number is a lesbian, but you have no way of knowing which, except that they are probably pinch-nosed bitches with cropped hair. If you pick up one of the latter and take her home your only chance of a shag would be twos up with the dildo so do that and you will be OUT OF THE GAME. Now, if you have safely negotiated all the hazards and picked up a bird GIVE HER ONE! HAZARDS! Brewer's Droop. Premature ejaculation. She could be having her period. Her big mean-looking older brother could return home just as you are about to get your end away, having just failed to get his end away. If any of these things happen you are are OUT OF THE GAME as well as being SICK AS A PARROT.