| SITUATIONS
VACANT |
SIX
MONTHS AGO I WAS MADE REDUNDANT! |
| Today
I drive a Rolls-Royce, my wife drives a BMW, we take our holidays in The
Bahamas, I enjoy an income of over £100,000 per annum for just ten hours
work per week, and I own a town house, a cottage in the country, a chalet in
Switzerland and a 60 foot yacht. How? I got a job as a copywriter, composing
completely ludicrous advertising copy, such as - |
| SIX
MONTHS AGO I WAS MADE REDUNDANT! |
Today
I drive a Rolls Royce, my wife drives a BMW, we take our holidays in The
Bahamas, etc etc……. Tel 014046 989432 and ask for Bob.
|
| BOOKS |
PROOF
READERS REQIRED
|
What
is wrong with the above? If you now you might make a good poof reader. Take our
co-respondents coarse. Three out of every four pupils were sucksessful at the
last cunt. Janus Pubications, Box 11, St Helens, Lancs.
|
| FOOD
AND DRINK |
PIZZA
NON-DELIVERY. |
Absolutely
guaranteed not to deliver your pizza! Perfect for when you don't really want a
pizza but your wife is insisting on one. We don't turn up so you have to have
something else instead! Tel 01434 5764 9804.
|
| ISLE
OF MAN KIPPERS |
Send
a box of kippers direct from the Isle of Man to your friends. £9.99
delivered. Send a box of kippers direct from the Isle of Man to your enemies.
£9.99 delivered. Smartarse's Kippers, Douglas, Isle of Man.
|
| EGG
CUPS |
| Set
of six china egg cups with faces of top politicians painted on them. (Blair,
Hague etc) Very realistic-looking when your boiled egg is placed in them,
especially the bald ones. Get your day off to a cracking start by bashing their
heads in with your spoon at breakfast. PO Box 43, Tring. |
|
|
| PERSONAL |
WOMEN
SEEKING MEN
|
| Gal,
Blonde, 28, NS, GSOH, WLTM, SOB, 30, NS, GSOH, OHAC, who gave her VD last week.
32496 |
MEN
SEEKING WOMEN
|
| Guy,
40, NS, GSOH, OHAC, WLTM, offers TLC to Girl, 35-40, who can tell him what NS,
GSOH, OHAC, TLC means.32504 |
MEN
SEEKING MEN
|
| Guy,
good-looking, early twenties, just come out of closet and looking for soulmate.
I enjoy walking, clubbing, and looking at the expressions on the faces of my
relatives when I tell them I'm gay. 32434 |
MEN
SEEKING HORRIBLE LIFE-THREATENING DISEASES
|
See
MEN SEEKING MEN.
|
| VERY
PERSONAL |
Get
lost, Fatty! Mel.
|
| ARISTOCRACY |
Have
you no chin? Do you have a braying laugh? Do you look down on people? If you
can answer 'Yes' to any of these questions you could be an Aristocrat! Let us
at ARISTOSEARCH discover your true heritage! Thousands of successes! Using the
latest computer research we have discovered that many ordinary people were in
fact members of the aristocracy,and instead of having worthwhile occupations
like teacher or nurse or lorry driver, they should really have been just
swanning around all day doing nothing and living off the labour of others. So
don't wait for the next Hunt or Grouse Shoot to pass you by, write today for
details to - Aristosearch, Upper Crawley, Bucks. 'Once I was a top paediatrric
surgeon, now I spend every day just loafing around and shouting at the
servants, thanks to Aristosearch.' Lord Stockport.
|
| FOR
SALE |
Judo
suit. Only used once. £25. Or will exchange for pair of crutches. John.
07632 876567
|
|
|
| CLUBS |
THE
BIG HAT CLUB
|
Join
The Big Hat Club. Gives people the opportunity to wear a ten gallon hat without
having to resort to American Line Dancing. We just sit around in our big hats
and generally behave in a really sad manner.
|
| FUNERAL
SERVICES |
Special
offer! Die before the end of January and save 20%. PO Box 34.
Reading.
|
| BEAVERMENT |
Mrs
Olive James wishes to announce the death of her beaver.
|
| MASSAGE
PARLOURS |
Hand
relief, Oral sex, Full sex. We also do 'extras' such as massage and muscle
toning. Hands On Massage Parlour, Chubb Street, Hayfield, Derbys.
|
| LOST
AND FOUND |
Lost.
Virginity. Friday night in bus shelter. Hoorah! Debbie
Found.
Pair of girls knickers. Friday night in bus shelter. Hurrah.
George.
Lost.
(Again!) Dog. Answers to the name of Piss Off.
|
| VANITY |
BREAST
AUGMENTATION. |
Add
another breast! Make you boyfriend spoilt for choice. Or why not have another
two round the back and never again be short of a ballroom dancing partner? Also
saves you hiring a lilo when on the beach. Titzforall, Dept B. PO Box 44,
Tadcaster.
|
| UNDETECTABLE
TOUPES |
| Our
toupes are absolutely undetectable. So we're returning the money of everyone
who ordered them, as we can't find them. |
PENIS
EXTENSIONS |
Why
not let the Penis Brothers build your extension for you. Our erections are
unbeatable. Loft conversions a speciality. (Ring Dick on 01002 8675432)
|
| TERMINAL
ILLNESS |
Will
anyone who became ill at Heathrow Air Terminal yesterday please contact our
caterers, then send for the doctor and go straight to bed.
|
|
|
