Aardvark    South African mammal famous for being the first entry in an encyclopaedia. It is known for being hard working, gentle and long-lived, hence the saying 'Aardvark Never Hurt Anyone'.

Aardon    What a male aardvark gets when it is sexually aroused.

Abba    Immensely successful Swedish pop group whose name was made up from the initial letters of their Christian names, Agnetha, Bjorn, Benny and Anna-frid. A later Swedish pop group who used the same idea and whose Christian names were Tomas, Wilhelmina, Arnie, Trudi and Stefan were not nearly so popular.

Aberration    A seaside resort on the coast of Clywd, North Wales, even worse than Abergele.

Abstain    Suspicious-looking deposit on an Able-Bodied Seaman's trousers or hammock.

Abzorba The Greek    Athenian paper tissue, tampon and sanitary towel manufacturer.

AC/DC Milan    Bi-sexual Italian football team.

Achilles    A Greek warrior, much travelled, to the dismay of his doting mother, who, long before footballers ever started used the expression, was in the habit of saying "Ooh, me Achilles has gone again". Fearful her son would die at Troy, she dipped Achilles in the River Styx to make his body invulnerable, except for the heel by which she held him. But it was pride as much as the Trojan arrow that pierced his exposed heel which killed Achilles, as his mother's original intention was to dangle him in the river by his penis, however Achilles wasn't having any of that.

Acne Carriage     Horse drawn cab used for transporting spots and pimples.

Additus    (382-336 BC) Greek mathematician who formulated the tens and units method of counting. He had eleven children, ten carry one.

Aerobics    A form of physical exercise consisting of rapidly repeated energetic movements which increases the supply of oxygen in the blood and doesn't end up in having an orgasm then a fag afterwards.

Aerodrome    A large area of land, smaller than an airport, used for storing chocolate bars full of bubbles.

Afoot    Something which is found at one end of a leg.

After-tax    Said of profits. The proportion remaining after all taxes have been paid. (See Next To Bugger All)

Aga Khan    Pakistani cooking stove.

Agatha Christie    Crime novelist and playwright. In the eighties her play Ten Little Niggers was attacked by the Campaign Against Racial Discrimination as being demeaning to black people, eventually forcing her to change the title to Ten Big Niggers, and very soon after that to Ten Little Indians.

Agrippa    Roman General and glue manufacturer.

AIDS    Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome. A terrible affliction, but it isn't all bad news. For example nobody has ever caught it twice.

Air Bag    Promiscuous air hostess. Found on all airlines, but especially Qantas.

Airing Cupboard    A heated cupboard into which men's socks not already lost in the washing machine will mysteriously disappear.

Albert Brindley   (1910-78) One-legged athlete. Probably his best event was the triple jump, formerly known as the hop, step and jump, although in Albert's case it was the hop, hop and hop.

Alcoholic Strength    A phenomenon that occurs when a man is so drunk that he imagines he is strong enough to climb up the drainpipe of his house and get in through the bedroom window when he has lost his keys or been locked out by his wife. Almost always ends in disaster.

Alcoholics Synonymous    A pastime performed by alcoholics, comprising of teams of two or more, which involves performing co-ordinated movements in unison, rather like synchronised swimming. Indicative of the movements are Taking Two Steps Forward & One Step Back, Slipping Whilst Propping Up Bar With Elbow & Depositing Drink Down Cuff Of Jacket Sleeve, and Falling Off Barstool.

Alcopop    Affectionate name for drunken father.

Al Dente    (1938-2002) Italian film star who specialised in Spaghetti Westerns.

Alexander the Grate    (356-323 B.C.) Greek inventor of the fireplace.

Alice Springs    A phenomenon first experienced in the outback of Australia by a young girl named Alice, this is a series of involuntary, exuberant somersaults performed by unmarried women on discovering they aren't pregnant.

Algebra    A rare animal, it is the offspring of an Algerian who likes having sex with zebras. More rarely it is a cross between an Algerian and a short-sighted Zebra.

All Right, So I Didn't Survive    The epitaph that singer Gloria Gaynor will one day have inscribed on her gravestone.