Antilles    Where ants live.

Antiques Roadshow    Nationwide tour of third rate venues by singers such as Marty Wilde and Showaddywaddy.

Ant and Dec    Television presenters who have done for Saturday evening TV what Hitler did for Coventry.

Antonio Vivaldi    (1678-1741) Italian composer and violinist. He was responsible for Harmonical Inspiration, The Four Seasons, and, unfortunately, Nigel Kennedy.

Anxiety    Unpleasant and disturbing emotion, ranging in intensity from discomfort to blind panic. Can be likened to being trapped in a lift with Julian Clary and Michael Barrymore.

Apartheid     An Afrikaans word meaning 'apartness'. In practice it was the doctrine introduced by the South African Government of seperating the black and white populations on the pretence that they were simply colour coding.

Apres Ski    The part of a skiing holiday between skiing and waking up the following morning with a blinding headache and discovering somebody in bed with you who you wouldn't normally be seen dead with.

Apathy    * See bottom of page.

Apostrophe    A punctuation mark ('). It is compulsory for greengrocers to use an apostrophe when advertising their apple's, pear's and plum's.

Archbishop Desmond Tutu    South African clergyman. Tutu is a leading voice in the struggle against apartheid. Two films about his life are planned for later this year, Desmond Tutu and Desmond Tutu 2.                                                                          

Archimedes    (287-212 B.C.) Greek mathematician, much praised by his grateful countrymen for his many inventions, especially the Archimedean Screw. (Underwater sex)

Arctic Exploration    The period of time which elapses between the moment a man who lives in the Arctic decides that he wants a pee until the time he manages to locate his shrunken willy.

Arian    Any character called Ian on the television soap Coronation Street.

Armadildo    Originally a mis-spelling of Armadillo by the Greek Theseus, when he was writing a dissertation on Mediterranean fauna. It gave him the idea of arming dildos with explosive material and dropping them liberally in Thrace in Asia Minor, the home of the Amazon race of female warriors with whom Greece was at war. It had a great influence on the eventual Greek victory.

Armanic    Anyone daft enough to pay the price asked for anything designed by Armani.

Aromatherapy    The treatment and purification of the atmosphere by opening a window and letting in some fresh air after someone has farted.

Art Deco    Style of art and design with its emphasis on geometrical shapes and simplified lines.

Art Garfunkel    Style of art and design with its emphasis on silly haircuts.

Art Gallery    A building where paintings by various artists are displayed for viewing by the general public. Visiting most art galleries is about as interesting as watching dry paint.

Arthur's Seat    A boulder strewn grassy outcrop which dominates the city of Edinburgh. Named after the Celtic warrior Arthur (c 500), by his doctor, after Arthur had gone to him with a particularly nasty case of piles.

Artificial Insemination    A method by which women can become pregnant without having to pretend to enjoy it.

Ascension    An island in the South Pacific with no towns to speak of and a population of about 1500. The island is a breeding ground for sea turtles.

Ascension Day    An extremely boring twenty four hours on the island of Ascension if you're not particularly keen on sea turtles.

Ash Wednesday    The first day of Lent. Also occurs 52 times a year at crematoriums.

Asparagus Tips    1. Only eat the young tender shoots. 2. For the best taste, cook gently and smother in butter. 3. Wear a napkin if you are a messy eater.

Asprodite     Greek Goddess of not feeling like making love because she has a headache.

Astrology     See A Load of Old Bollocks

Astroturf     Artificial grass. Almost indisinguishable from real grass except for if you smoke it.

Atomic Pile    Large mound of shit which resulted when Dr A Jameson first split the haemorrhoid.

Attila the Hun     (406-53) Feared by his enemies, he defeated the Roman Emperor Theodosius.

Attila the Hung    (423-78) Not particularly feared by his enemies, he didn't defeat anyone, but then you can't have everything.

Auld Lang Syne    In Scottish dialect this means 'old long since' and is a song with words by Robert Burns, usually only ever heard on New Year's Eve when people are drunk. The few people who have heard it sober, on hearing the words, always make sure they are drunk on the next occasion they are likely to hear it.

* The compiler of this encyclopedia couldn't be arsed to think up anything funny for this.