Baby on Board     A sign stuck in the back of a car window by a Stupid Parent on Board. Versions of Baby on Board now include 'Young Person on Board' and 'Cheeky Little Monkey on Board', but not as yet, more truthfully perhaps, 'Whingeing Little Twat on Board'.

Bad Homburg.     (1) Spa town at the foot of the Taunus Mountains, Germany. (2) Ill-fitting hat.

Baden     Spa town in Switzerland.

Baden Baden      Spa town in south-west Germany, or spa town in Switzerland pronounced by person with a stutter.

Baden Baden Baden Baden      Spa town in south-west Germany pronounced by person with a stutter.

Baden Powell     Spa town in gigantic pair of Boy Scout's shorts.

Bafta Awards     Annual ceremony in which Britain's showbusiness fraternity meet to slap each other's backs and hand out awards just for doing their jobs. It can only be hoped that one day Britain's criminal fraternity stage a 'Burglar Of The Year' award ceremony and one of the categories is for 'Best Bafta Award Stealer'

Bagatelle     Small brown paper sack carried around by Italians into which they can vomit after eating dodgy pasta.

Baguette     A French female, younger and not quite as sexually experienced as a bag.

Bakewell     Market town in Derbyshire, home of the Bakewell Tart, and lots of other women.

Balaclava Helmet     A tight-fitting woollen helmet-like covering for the head and neck, originally worn by soldiers on active service in the Crimea. When the Balaclava Helmet was first introduced there were heavy casualties and it was very much disliked, but then someone had the idea of cutting a hole in the front of it so that the wearer could see where he was going.

Baltimore     Second helping of curry.

Bagpipes     Wind instrument very popular in England, when played in Scotland.

Ballet     Theatrical representation in dance form, in which music also plays a major part. Famous ballets include Swan Lake,1877, Nutcracker,1899, and Thanks For All The Lottery Money Otherwise Ballet Would Sinbk Without Trace, 1999.

Ballooning Prison Population     Nil. (Prison Governors could never be accused of being over-blessed in the brain department, but even they are not stupid enough to allow the prisoners to indulge in hot air ballooning).

Barbican     Doll's lavatory.

Bark Painting     This is an art form for which the Australian Aborigines are world famous. It is difficult to say why, since it can't be all that hard to paint the word 'Bow-wow-wow' on a piece of paper.

Bar Mitzvah.     A public house in Jerusalem into which you are only admitted if you have been circumcised.