Big Mac(1)     Item of fast food popular with children. Also eaten by adults who, as children, fell prey to McDonalds aggressive marketing methods before their taste buds had had time to develop. These poor wretches, their taste buds totally destroyed by consuming this unfortunate marriage of a sesame seed bun and a disc of grey meat of doubtful origin, can sometimes be seen gazing bleakly out of the window of McDonalds outlets, probably hoping that Ronald McDonald will happen by so that they can kick him in the bollocks. (2) Raincoat worn by very tall Flasher.

Billy the Kid     (1873-1942) Derbyshire farm labourer with an unhealthy interest in goats.

Birth Control    Prevention of conception in order to avert unwanted births. Various contraceptive devices include condoms, spermicidal jellies, diaphragms, intrauterine devices, and, for men, a barrelful of crabs with a hole bored in it.

Bite My Pilau     Blockbuster Bollywood film about the life and loves of a gay Indian chef.

Black Hole Of Calcutta, The     Infamous dungeon where, following the capture of Calcutta in 1756, 156 English prisoners were confined for the night in terrible conditions in a stinking cell twenty feet square. It is thought to be where the idea for Indian restaurants came from.

Blessedness     The state of having been exposed to Brian Blessed for too long. Symptoms are chronic eye-rolling and shouting at everybody in a very loud voice.

Boarding School     A school offering lodging and tuition, and ample opportunity for the masters and senior boys to board the junior boys.

Bob Dylan     American singer-songwriter. Born Bob Zimmerframe, when he was fifteen years old he changed his name to Bob Zimmerman because people kept laughing at him. When he became a singer he changed his name once more to Bob Dylan. Is reported to be considering changing his name back to Zimmerframe, now that he needs one.

Bob Tway     A very fortunate U.S. golfer, not least because he only just missed being called Bob Twat.

Body Language     The way people stand or sit, and the gestures they make. For example, if a man has his chin resting in his hand he is thinking; if he has his legs crossed he is relaxed; and if he also has one of his buttocks slightly raised and has inclined himself to one side he is thinking of having a fart.

Boomerang     A curved, flat implement which is thrown as a weapon or for sport. There are two kinds of boomerang, Returning and Non-returning. Returning boomerangs, when thrown correctly, return to their starting point. Non-returning boomerangs are Returning boomerangs made by MFI.

Boudicca     (30-61AD) Queen of the Iceni (native Britons), often referred to as Boadicea. Her husband, King Prasutagus, often referred to as Pratusaguts, had been a tributary of the Romans, often referred to as Those Big-nosed Eyeties, but on his death, often referred to as You Stop Breathing Then They Put You In A Hole And Fill It In, and before the main Roman army could return from campaigning against the Welsh, often referred to as Tossers, she burned down London, not then often referred to as The Smoke, but referred to as The Smoke very soon after when Boudicca set fire to it.

Bouzouki     A plucked stringed instrument which is always playing the same tune no matter which Greek taverna you happen to go into.

Boyband A phenomenon of the 1990's. A group of usually four or five youths who have spurned musical instruments in favour of choreographed, pedantic, dancing. Personified by the boybands Take That and Boyzone, their appeal is solely to females who are still awaiting the arrival of their first pubic hair. The boyband Ladz, in an effort to appeal to more older girls, sing and dance in exactly the same way as a typical boyband, but do it holding a can of lager in each hand with their dicks hanging out.

Brassiere (bra)     Female undergarment for supporting the breasts. Has chameleon like qualities, in that it changes its appearance very quickly, from white to a sort of dingy grey.

Brass Rubbing     Pleasant pastime for two, one male and one female, named after its inventor, William Brass.

Brazilian     Removal, usually by wax (hence Brazilian Wax ) of female pubic hair so that it doesn't show when wearing a bikini. Thought to be named so because the amount of hair left after treatment is about the same as that in the crack of Pele's behind.

Broadband     Ramsbottom & Oswaldtwistle Fat Boys Prize Brass Band.

Brooklyn Beckham     The offspring of David and Victoria Beckham, a boy who one day is going to be very embarrassed about his Christian name. His parents claim that they named him Brooklyn because it was the name of the place in America where he was conceived. In fact he was conceived in Chattanooga, but neither of ther Beckhams could spell it.

Brian Bate's Founder member of the Apostrophe's League, Bate's was the man who advocated liberal use of the apostrophe, actively encouraging greengrocers to write apple's, orange's, potato's etc, on their windows, and fishmongers to write cockle's and mussel's and bas's. Bate's died in mysterious circumstances in a traffic accident, leaving a son, S'tan and a daughter, S'us'an, both of whom claimed that their father had been as's'as's'inated.

Bridge of Sighs     Beautiful bridge in Venice, Italy. Called such because of the unhappy prisoners who long ago had to cross it when being escorted from the prison to the palace for trial. If they were found guilty they were sent to their execution via another bridge, the Bridge of Really Pissed Off.

Bristol Channel    Female cleavage

Brit Awards, The     Pop music annual shindig which sets out to prove, and usually succeeds, that the British have less taste than any other country in the world.

Bruce Forsyth     British entertainer, comic, dancer, singer. During a 1992 tour of Great Britain he gave new meaning to the expression 'one man show', when only one man turned up to see it.

B S E Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy (Mad Cow Disease)      Farmers in particular should not confuse BSE with BST (British Summer Time) or they may could end up putting their cows back an hour and get contaminated clocks.

Budget Cruise      Tom Cruise's even smaller brother.

Burt Burt     American film star, born in New York, New York. Appeared in the film Liar, Liar, in which he was crap,crap.