Calendar       A system by which the beginning, length and divisions of the year are fixed. There are two main calendars, the Gregorian and the Julian. A third, the Plumbers differs from the other two in that Friday means any day other than Friday except if it is a Friday a week later.

Calendar Girls       British film in which twelve Women's Institute members whose breasts no man in his right mind would want to look at took great pains to keep them covered up anyway.

Caligula       (AD 12-41) Roman Emperor, quite mad, who once appointed his horse to the Senate. It is widely believed that ex-British Prime Minister Tony Blair modelled himself on Caligula, but only managed to appoint donkeys to the Cabinet.

Call Centre      Establishment to which British people can ring up to listen to a foreigner mangling the English language.

Camel       A large, fawn-coloured, hornless ruminant, long-necked, with one or two humps. Once described as "A horse designed by a committee. " Whoever coined this expression was being over-charitable to the skills of committees, for if the committee who were responsible for designing the Birmingham city centre one-way system had designed a horse it would not look like a camel but like a mad dog chasing its tail for two hours before disappearing up its own arsehole.

Camille Pissaro       A gents public convenience in Camille, Italy.

Campanology       The art, especially by the ringing of church bells on Sunday morning, of calling to church one per cent of the population within hearing distance whilst getting up the noses of the remaining ninety nine per cent who are trying to have a lie in.

Canute      The son of a Danish king, his real name was Cnut, but on coming to England he added the 'a' and the 'e' to it so that people would be less likely to mispronounce it as Cunt, which he didn't want, for obvious reasons. In fact it made little difference, as he was always known as 'that twat Canute.'

Capability Brown      (1718-1783) English landscape gardener. He rejected the formality of the reigning French style in favour of more informal designs.His landscapes often included artificially made but natural-looking lakes. His brother, Incapability Brown, did similar sort of work, but always made a balls of it. Perhaps his most useful creation is the two and a half miles long by three inches wide lake in the gardens of Blenthorpe Palace, which visitors tend to use as a urinal. A great grandson, Invalidity Brown, is of course the Birkenhead man who has been drawing sickness benefit for twenty two years, a remarkable achievement considering that he is a twenty-eight-year old self-employed plumber.

Caravan      Large vehicle fitted out for living in. Designed to make maximum use of the space available and to annoy the drivers of vehicles travelling behind who can't get past.

Cardigan Bay       Holiday area in Wales which caters for elderly people who wear cardies.

Career       Takes two distinct routes in Britain, which are:- (1) Primary school, secondary school, university, gap year, good job. (2) Primary school, secondary school, dole year, gap life.

Carol Vorderman       Consonant, vowel, consonant, vowel, consonant. Consonant, vowel, consonant, consonant, vowel, consonant, consonant, vowel, consonant, with a nice pair of Consonant, vowel, consonant, consonant, and a shapely Consonant, vowel, consonant.

Cassowary       A genus of ostrich-like flightless bird found only in Australia. It is thought that they used to be able to fly, but gave it up when they realised that they would never be able to fly far enough to get out of Australia.

Castanets       Small wooden clappers played to Spanish music. It was a word beloved of the Carry On team, hence "Ooooh, look at the castanets on that Spaniard!"

Casual Sex      Engaging in sexual intercourse whilst, for example, eating a slice of pizza and watching TV.

Casualty      Long running BBC hospital drama in which each week casualties such as traffic accidents, knife wounds and the script are featured.

Ca't.       A catastrophe.

Catacomb       A rigid toothed device for dressing the fur of Italian cats.

Catheter      You really don't want to know.

Cavy Wall Insulation       A particularly warm form of house insulation, using guinea pigs rather than polystyrene.

Celtic Language       Fuck off Rangers!

Charles I       King of France.

Charles II       King of France who had never heard of Roman numerals and thought he was Charles the Eleventh.

Charles III       King of France, inventor of cricket stumps.

Charles IV       King of France, inventor of the intravenous drip.