Coca       South American shrub that yields cocaine.

Coca Cola       North American drink that yields rotten teeth.

Collage       An independent corporation or college within a university specialising in teaching students who can't spell.

Colon       (pop 59,840) The third largest city in Panama. The population has doubled since 1982, when it was known as Semi Colon.

Computer Language       A special language used solely by the owners of computers. It includes much use of the word 'Shit' followed by one or more apostrophes, and phrases such as 'It just shouldn't do that! and 'What the bloody hell is wrong with it now!'

Condominimum       The smallest number of condoms one should take on a Club 18-39 holiday.

Cordon Bleu       Supposedly cooking of the highest standing. Some of it should be cordoned off.

Cormorant       A sea bird. Fortunately it is also known as a Shag, otherwise men would get nothing but disappointment when asking members of the opposite sex if they fancied a cormorant.

Coronation Street      TV soap noted for its particularly vulgar language e.g. Rita: "In tit true she cunt go then?"

Cosmopolitan     A womans magazine 'For Fun-loving, Fearless Females.' £3.50, every monthly.

Crampons      Spikes, fixed to boots for walking on ice. First used by four members of a party of five Englishmen on an assault on the north face of the Eiger in 1937. The fifth member of the party, who failed to keep up with the others because he kept slipping about, had understood the leader of the party to say "Bring along some tampons to fasten to your boots. "

Crazy Horse       (1849-77) Sioux Indian Chief who galloped bravely into the Battle of the Little Big Horn but was eventually captured and killed.

Crazy Sloth       (1849-1923) Sioux Indian who was also at the Battle of the Little Big Horn but spent the entire time hanging upside down from a tree, emerging unscathed. Not so crazy after all then.

Criminal Records      Any song recorded by James Blunt, especially 'You Are Beautiful'.

Cross-buttock      A quite angry bottom.

Crossword Puzzle       A puzzle in which numbered clues are solved and their answers are inserted into their correct places in a grid of squares that cross vertically and horizontally. Invented by Charles Dalyrimple (1889-1963), who is buried at Highgate Cemetery, 17 down, 23 across.

Crufts       Annual dog show in which the owners attempt to look even more ridiculous than their dogs; often succeeding.

Cubism       The act of being slowly driven mad, culminating in throwing it in the nearest canal, by one's inability to complete even once side of the Rubik Cube.

Cwm       (1) Welsh for valley. (2) Welsh for female reproductive organ.

Cwmp       A weed who lives in (1), above, and probably gets very little of (2), above.

Cwt       Welsh schoolboy rugby union player, often the scrum half, weighing 112lbs or less.