'Che' Guevera       (1928-67) Argentine revolutionary hero, comrade of Fidel Castro. A man with unusual eating habits, Guevera died leading a band of guerrillas in an attempt to take a dog food factory. ('Che' is Argentine for Chum)

Cher       American singer, ex-wife of Sonny, whose permanent facial expression is probably the finest example yet recorded of the face of someone who has just discovered that they have trod on a dog turd.

Cherie Blair       The wife of ex- New Labour Prime Minister Tony Blair. Has never looked back since she left The Addams Family.

Chicken Nuggets       A convenience food, Chicken Nuggets come from any part of the chicken between the beak and the parson's nose, but very often from only the beak and the parson's nose.

Chinese Chippy       Either a British chipshop owned and run by Chinese or a shop in China that sells chips. Whichever one it they don't know how to make chips properly.

Chinese Takeaway       Ereven minus ereven.

Chips Rafferty       (1909-71) Thin Australian film actor.

Chips Fish Meat Pie Steak Pudding Curry Sauce And Mushy Peas Rafferty       (1944-95) Fat English film actor.

Chlematis    A climbing venereal disease.

Christianity       Belief in the existence of Christ. This doctrine actually came about much earlier than was at first thought, in fact in the Iron Age, when the inventor of the first nail hit himself on the thumb with a hammer and shouted 'Jesus Christ!'

Christopher Fry       (b 1907) English poet and inventor of the English Breakfast. His poems included Venus Observed, Sausages Observed, The Toast is not for Burning, and, and, with Bacon, Eggs, Beans, Mushrooms and Tomato.

Clairvoyance      The art of managing to keep out of the way of Claire Rayner.

Clan       (Gaelic clann, 'children') Scottish social group based on kinship. Theoretically each clan is descended from a single ancestor. i.e. MacGregor (son of Gregor). Other examples are - MacPostie (son of Gregor's postman), MacWindiecleaner (son of Gregor's windowceaner), MacGinger, (son of either Gregor's postman, windowcleaner or insurance collector, nobody is quite sure), MacBald (son of either Gregor's milkman or Gregor's best mate), MacBonnet (son of someone who paid Gregor's wife a call but never took his hat off), MacDonald (son of Donald), MacMcDonald (son of Donald and a McDonalds Quarterpounder), and MacMac? (an illegitimate child)

Club 18-30       Brash, boisterous, anything goes holiday camp for people nominally in the 18 years to 30 years age group. A spin-off, Club Foot 18-30, is exactly as above but for the handicapped.