Dai O'Rear      (1948-1998) Circus clown, (Ringlings, Bertram Mills etc). Son of an Irish man and a Welsh woman with a sense of humour.

Dame Barbara Cartland      (1788- ) Was awarded her title for single-handedly keeping three face powder factories in full and gainful employment. Author of over 300 Romantic Novels which are noted for their prudishness; in fact the only people ever to get shafted are the people who buy her books.

Dangerous Dog Act      Cabaret turn in which a blindfolded dog with greased feet tightrope walks across a pit of crocodiles.

David Semen      The London Rubber Company Rovers goalkeeper.

Daytime TV      The limbo between appearing on prime time TV and death, into which untalented TV performers and presenters disappear.

Dead Centre      Graveyard.

Dead Sea      Landlocked salt lake between Israel and Jordan. No animal or vegetable life can survive in it for any length of time, whilst bathers float on it very easily. For this reason it is quite similar to the sea at Blackpool, Lancs, in which no animal or vegetable life can survive for any length of time, whilst turds float on it very easily.

Decent Assault      The same as indecent assault except that having committed the crime the assailant raises his hat and says thank you.

Declaration of Independence.      "I can look after myself! All right Mother?

Deed Poll.      A dead parrot in Scotland.

Deflation       The let down feeling that a man has on bursting his inflatable rubber woman.

Defence       In the West Indies and Ireland, a barrier of wood or wire that seperates de garden from de road.

Denise van Outen      Ladette TV Presenter and actress. The 'van' in her name is fictitious, and was made up to make her sound more interesting, possibly because it was a van in which she first had sex in the back of.

Dentist       Someone who once had ambitions to be a doctor, but dropped out of medical school when they realised they weren't up to it. A dentist might argue that he is a dentist because he always wanted to be a dentist, but for that to be true it would have to be believed that there are people who actually want to poke about in other people's mouths all day to earn a living.

Dermot O'Logist       Famous Irish skin specialist.