Dhole     (1) A type of red hunting dog, found chiefly in the forests of Southeast Asia. (2) An Indian unemployment benefit payment.

Dhow      An Indian trading vessel. Possibly purchased with dhole money.

Disrepute      Something which footballers are often charged with bringing the FA into, although how the FA can be placed in more disrepute than that which they continually wreak upon themselves is hard to imagine.

Diana, HRH The Princess of Wales      (1961-97) Estranged wife of Charles, Prince of Wales. A tragic figure, in life she was loved by everyone, in death she is loved even more, especially by florists.

Divorce      Legal dissolution of marriage. This often leads to great suffering, especially for the father of young children, as it means he will probably have to eat at McDonald's with his children every weekend.

Dizzy Gillespie     (1917-93) US jazz musician of the Swing Era. Famous for playing the trumpet, creating bebop, and getting trapped in revolving doors.

Do-it-Yourself     (1917-93) Name given to the act of a householder doing small jobs around the house such as building a breakfast bar, tiling the bathroom etc, before calling in a tradesman to make a proper job of it.

Doctor Who     The response of someone who is informed that their new GP is called Dr Ranjipindinobinwallaviswanath.

Doctor Jekyll and Mr Hyde     Classic horror story, many times filmed. By drinking a potion of his own invention the mild-mannered Doctor Jekyll transformed himself into his dark side, the wild, malevolent Mr Hyde. The author of the book is believed to have got the idea from observing his wife during the few days leading up to her monthly period.

Dodeca       (Greek dodeka, or dodeca, twelve) As: Dodecanese, group of twelve Greek islands, and Dodekalineandmorphine, having twelve attacks of diarrhoea on any of the Dodecanese Islands.

Dog, Dangerous      Any dog listed in the UK Dangerous Dogs Act which has to wear a muzzle in public.

Dog, Twat of a      Any dog which doesn't have to wear a muzzle in public, and which bites somebody.

Doggerel      A cross between a dog and a mackerel. It has four legs and smells of fish. Much easier to catch than a mackerel as it can only do the dog paddle.

Drums      Although now used almost solely as a percussive musical instrument, the drum was first used to send messages, and is still used for this purpose in parts of Africa. In Nigeria a typical message is:- "Tum tum tumtum tum-ti-tum-ti-tum tum tum tum tumtumtum tum-ti-tum tum tum", which means "I have got a drum."

Duke of Wellington      (1769-1852) British soldier who pioneered the idea of 'new man'. Known as the Iron Duke because he used to help his wife with the ironing.

Dundee Cake      (1) A rich cake containing raisins and topped with sliced almonds. (2) The dried deposit of excrement often found on a man's underpants on removing them. First noted in Dundee by a Scottish man who worked so hard that he hadn't got time to wipe his arse.

Dyke      (1) Ditch, embankment, especially in Holland, in which, to plug a hole, a boy once stuck his finger. (2) Type of female into which a boy would have no chance whatsoever of sticking his finger.

Dyslexia     Wrod bildnness