Emmy     A television award for actors who aren't good enough to be in films.

English Law      A system of justice built on the principle that a man is innocent until barristers, solicitors and judges have squeezed so much money out of him that by the end of the trial he couldn't care less what the decision of the court is.

Entity      Chicken breast.

Estate Agent     One who conducts business in the sale of houses. In the U.S.A. Estate Agents are known as Realtors. In Great Britain they are known as Parasites.

Erection      Voting for Japanese Parliament.

Eric the Good      14th century philanthropist. His eldest son, Eric the Good Shag, was a homosexual.

Erogenous Zone      The bus shelter on Digby Road, Matlock.

Essential Oils      A mixture of volatile oils which have distinctive and charateristic odours, and which were inessential oils until it dawned on someone that there was money to be made from selling them.

Ethelred the Ready     (968-1016) King of England, unjustifiably labelled Ethelred the Unready.

Ethel the Unready     (972-1032) Wife of Ethelred. The first woman to make a habit of being nowhere near ready when it was time to go out with her husband.

Ethylene      Little known sister of Emily, Charlotte and Anne Bronte. Wrote unsuccessful novels about gas. Perhaps her best novel was Withering Tights which was about a North Yorkshire gypsy girl who couldn't stop farting, and the effect this had on her underwear.

Euphemism      This word is actually a contraction of 'euphonium' and 'optimism', and was first coined when the member of a brass band was caught by his wife having oral sex with the woman next door and told her he was practising his triple-tonguing.

Evelyn Waugh      (1902-06) English writer (Brideshead Revisited). Started writing when he was only fifteen months old by dipping his penis into a paintpot and using it to write a short satirical story on the nursery wall. This came as a great surprise to his parents because up until then they'd thought he was a girl.

Extreme Sport     Tara Palmer-Tomkinson