Fahrenheit      A scale of temperature. To convert Fahrenheit to Centigrade divide by 5, multiply by 9 and add 32. But why bother? Life's too short.

Fallout      The part of a female breast which is still visible after the rest of it has been squeezed into a brassiere.

Fantail     A variety of domestic pigeon; also an ordinary pigeon which has been fired at by a shotgun and sustained a direct hit on its rear end.

Family Planning      A meeting of a branch of the Mafia with the object of reducing someone's family.

Fashion Statement      "You look bloody stupid in that Vivienne Westwood dress."

Fast Food     (1) Any food which is quickly prepared for consumption, usually of an inferior quality when compared to freshly cooked food. (2) Any food which travels fast, i.e. food served in aeroplanes, always of an inferior quality to freshly cooked food.

Far East                                                                                                               East.

Fate      The parts of the legs on which an Irishman stands.

Fathers Day      The day in the year when a man's collection of socks increases by up to fifty per cent, depending upon how many children he has.

Fatty     Nickname for the boy who plays in goal in a schoolboy game of football.

Fayre     Old fashioned way of spelling 'fare'. Used mostly today by pubs who sell food, e.g 'try our traditional fayre.' Don't, because it is invariably traditional craype.

Feedback     Bulimia Nervosa.

Fellati     The state of almost getting oral sex.

Feng Shui     Ancient Chinese art of extracting large amounts of money out of gullible English people by feeding them bullshit about the importance of the exact positioning of their living room settee.

Ferrites     Upper class ferrets.

Fibre Optics     A new high bran content breakfast cereal which is claimed to be beneficial to hindsight.

Film Score     Superman 3 Rocky 4 (after extra time).

Financial Adviser     A person who, not having any money of his own, advises people who do have money. Exactly what advice someone who hasn't got any money can offer to someone who has proved that they can make money is a question the ones with the money might ask themselves, before wasting some of it on advice from a Financial Adviser.

Firkin     A former measure of capacity, the fourth part of a barrel, now only ever used in reference to a small cask for lard, butter, and in double entendres in situation comedies.

Five Mile Sigh Club     The name given to a 'club' whose members are people who have had sex in an aeroplane when it is five miles high but it didn't last very long.

Fixtures and Fittings     Household items of a semi-permanent nature which people leave behind when they move house, then have to buy anew because the ex-owners of the property they are moving into have taken their fixtures and fittings with them.

Flexible Friend     An Inflatable Rubber Woman.

Flagellation     A feeling of euphoria brought on by vigorous waving of a flag, especially at Royal Processions. People who do this deserve to be flogged.

Flambe     Setting fire to a young sheep.

Flora and Fauna      Flora is a margarine which contains animal fat. Fauna are animals which also contain animal fat, unless they are animals which have been killed to make more Flora.

Floral Sex    Sexual intercourse with flowers. Tulips are especially favoured for this activity, Irises less so, whilst Venus Flytraps suck.

Florence Nightingale     (1820-1910) The humpbacked founder of the nursing profession. British soldiers who were nursed by her after being wounded in the Crimean War called her 'The Lady with the Lump', but in a report of her work published in the Guardian newspaper (then the Manchester Guardian), this somehow became the 'Lady with the Lamp.

Fondue Set     Apparatus for burning the inside of one's mouth with hot cheese. A fondue set is only ever used once then consigned to the garage or loft along with toastie-makers, vegetable choppers and other various domestic devices.

Football     A team game played with a large round leather (now mostly plastic) sphere, enjoyed throughout the civilised world. Also played in Wales. Once quoted as being a game of 'Eleven men against eleven', although nowadays it usually ends up as ten men against nine after the card-brandishing idiot known as the referee has done his worst. Also known as 'The Beautiful Game', although whoever coined this expression had obviously not had the benefit of a close look at Matthew Le Tissier or Ian Dowie, and had not even been within shouting distance of Peter Beardsley.

Football Agent     Piece of shite.

Four Weddings, A Funeral And Two Jokes     British film. In the same vein as Four Weddings And A Funeral except that there's one more joke in it.

Free Fall     Falling off the Eiffel Tower, Blackpool Tower, or similar (although it will cost money to go up it).

Freemasonry     Sorry, it's a secret.

Free Willy      (1) A film about a whale. (2) A type of loose-fitting underpants.

Frederick the Great     (1712-86) King of Prussia, able administrator, outstanding general, corresponded with Voltaire and played the flute.

Frederick the Not So Great     (1743-1811) Prince of Prussia, poor administrator, lousy general, corresponded with Father Christmas, played the fool and wet the bed.

French Letter     Lettre.

Friends of the Earth     Enemies of the comb, haircut, shampoo, shave and deodorant.

Friends of the Earthquake     Architects, Builders, carpenters etc.

Frig it Bird     Any bird which just couldn't care less.