Fondue Set     Apparatus for burning the inside of one's mouth with hot cheese. A fondue set is only ever used once, then consigned to the garage or loft along with toastie-makers, vegetable choppers and other various domestic devices.

Football     A team game played with a large round leather (now mostly plastic) sphere, enjoyed throughout the civilised world. Also played in Scotland. Once quoted as being a game of 'Eleven men against eleven, although nowadays it usually ends up as ten men against nine after the card-brandishing idiot known as the referee has done his worst. Also known as 'The Beautiful Game', although whoever coined this expression had obviously not had the benefit of a close look at Matthew Le Tissier or Ian Dowie, and had not even been within shouting distance of Peter Beardsley.

Football Agent     Piece of shite.

Four Weddings And One Joke     British film. In the same vein as Four Weddings And A Funeral except that there's one more joke in it.

Free Fall     Falling off the Eiffel Tower, Blackpool Tower, or similar (although it will cost money to go up it).

Freemasonry     Sorry, it's a secret.

Free Willy      A type of loose-fitting underpants.

Frederick the Great     (1712-86) King of Prussia, able administrator, outstanding general, corresponded with Voltaire and played the flute.

Frederick the Not So Great     (1743-1811) Prince of Prussia, poor administrator, lousy general, corresponded with Father Christmas, played the fool, wet the bed.

Fred West    Serial murderer. A do-it-yourself enthusiast he invented a novel system of cavity wall insulation.

French Letter     Lettre.

Friends of the Earth     Enemies of the comb, haircut, soap and shaving.

Friends of the Earthquake     Builders, plumbers, carpenters etc.

Friendly Fire      Bullets, shells, rockets etc which always smile and say hello before killing you.