Firkin     A former measure of capacity, the fourth part of a barrel, now only ever used in reference to a small cask for lard, butter, and in double entendres in ITV situation comedies.

Five Mile Sigh Club     The name given to a 'club' whose members are people who have had sex in an aeroplane when it is five miles high but it didn't last very long.

Fixtures and Fittings     Household items of a semi-permanent nature which people leave behind when they move house, then have to buy anew because the ex-owner of the property they are moving into have taken their fixtures and fittings with them.

Flexible Friend     An Inflatable Rubber Woman.

Flagellation     A feeling of euphoria brought on by vigorous waving of a flag, especially at Royal Processions. People who do this deserve to be flogged.

Flambe     Setting fire to a young

Flora and Fauna      Flora is a margarine which contains animal fat. Fauna are animals which also contain animal fat, unless they are animals that have been killed to make more Flora.

Floral Sex    Doing it with flowers. Tulips are especially favoured for this activity, irises less so, whilst venus flytraps suck.

Florence Nightingale     (1820-1910) The humpbacked founder of the nursing profession. British soldiers who were nursed by her after being wounded in the Crimean War called her 'The Lady with the Lump', but in a report of her work published in the Guardian newspaper (then the Manchester Guardian), this somehow became the 'Lady with the Lamp'.