Galilei Galileo     (1564-1642) Italian astronomer and physician whose parents didn't waste too much time on thinking up a Christian name for him.

GCSE     Get Copying Somebody Else's.

Geisha Girl      A hostess in a Japanese Tea House. Geishas, according to the Japanese, do not offer sexual services, but if this is the case why do they have a cushion fastened to their behinds?

Gene Kelly      Irish chromosome.

Genghiz Khan.     (1162-1227) Mongol leader, overran the greater part of Asia, wreaked havoc wherever he went.

Genghiz Khant.     (1173-1240) Mongol leader, tried to overrun the greater part of Asia but got lost on the way there, wreaked havoc nowhere.

Genghiz Khunt     (1190- 1253) Mongol leader, overran the greater part of Asia, wreaked havoc wherever he went, then, not satisfied with that, shit on everybody's front doorstep before he left.

Geo      Earth. e.g., geobotany, the study of the geographical distribution of plants, and geoformby, the study of the geographical distribution of Chinese Laundries and Little Sticks of Blackpool Rock.

Geordie     A native of Tyneside. Geordies speak in an almost unintelligible dialect, e.g. 'Amganninyam', which means 'I am going home.' Geordies rarely get to eat West Indian food as whenever one goes to a shop and asks for a yam the shopkeeper sends him to an estate agent.

George Cadbury     1830-1922. British social reformer and owner of the chocolate firm Cadbury. His concern for adult education and the welfare of his workers set new standards in manufacturing. However this concern for their well-being was not so great that he stopped them eating chocolate, thus ensuring that most of them would probably end up obese.

George Hamilton    Perennially perma-tanned B-list actor, films (Love At First Bite), television (Dynasty). If you must look at him he is best viewed through strong sunglasses as over exposure to him could seriously damage the eyes.

George Hamilton the Third      The man who should have had a vasectomy before he fathered country and western singer George Hamilton the Fourth.

George W Bush.     American President, son of former President George Bush. The W in his name originally stood for Walker but has since been changed to Wanker by public demand.

Giroscope      The extent to which leadswingers can con doctors into giving them another sick note.

G I Diet.      (1) An eating regime based on the glycaemic index. (2) The diet which promiscuous English women were on with American soldiers stationed in England during the Second World War.

Gettysburg Address     Hiram K Jameson, 124 Main Street, Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, USA.

Glacial Period     The span of time from the moment a man does something which in his wife's eyes is wrong, to the time she grudgingly lets him back into the marital bed.

Glastonbury     Site of the world's largest urinal, where men can be entertained by top rock stars whilst relieving themselves.