Gnome      Small, wizened human being, similar to Elves although the two don't readily mix. This opinion is supported by the true story of the male gnome who had a disastrous relationship with a female elf, which subsequently inspired him to write the song 'I'd Be Far Better Of In A Gnome'.

Gnu      Very intelligent African animals who changed their name to Wildebeest to try to fool lions into not having them for supper. Unfortunately lions are deceptively thick animals, and kept eating them.

Goblet      A small mouth.

Gold Rush      Diarrohea.

Golf     A sport which allows men to wear trousers so silly that if they wore them anywhere other than a golf course the men in white coats would cart them away.

Granny Flat      An old woman who has been run over by a steamroller.

Great Expectorations     Unsuccessful early novel by Charles Dickens (1812-1870) about a boy called Nip who went to London and spat on the pavement a lot.

Greek Mysteries     Anything on a plate which comes out of the kitchen of a taverna.

Great Wall of China      A fortification 1400 miles long and 25 feet high built across northern China. It was just called Wall of China until it received its first visit from an American tourist, who on seeing it exclaimed 'Gee Ethel honey, that is a great wall!'

Greenhouse Effect      The phenomenon which occurs when your next-door neighbour buys a greenhouse. This almost always results in your wife going on about it until you are forced to either (a) Buy a greenhouse of at least the same dimensions and specification, or (b) Move house. Either option will be very expensive.

Greensleeves     A person with a cold who wipes their nose on the arms of their jacket.

Grotto      Any part of a department store which is dispensable during the run up to Christmas.

Gross indecency.     Exceptional indecency, or normal indecency 144 times.

Gross National Product     A National Product which drops its trousers, farts in a bottle of lager, then drinks it.

Grouse      A bird which complains a lot, especially on the 12th of August.

Guernsey Cow      Stella Halsall, 23 Knightwake Road, Guernsey, Channel Islands.

Gull     A seabird with the ability to fly into the intake of an airplane jet engine and emerge through the other side completely unscathed.

Gullible     Any gull which believes the above.