Hadrian's Ball    An ailment common amongst Roman soldiers during the reign of the emperor Hadrian (76-138), which caused one or both testicles to swell up, due to being strained when humping great lumps of granite about building Hadrian's Wall.

Hannibal    (247-183 BC) Carthaginian general. Regarded as performing the second bravest act in Roman military history when leading his elephants over the Alps. The bravest act was performed by the soldier following immediately behind the elephants.

Haemoglobin    Protein which occurs in red blood cells.

Haemogoblin    Little bleeder.

Haemorrhoids    Little bleeders.

Haka, The    The Maori chant performed by the New Zealand All Blacks rugby union team as a challenge to their opponents before each match. The words mean "All right then, its us against you lot, but it's our ball, so if you start beating us we're going home and taking it with us, and if you try to stop us we'll tell our dad, so there!"

Hamburger     (Without the bun), was invented in Hamburg, Germany, and taken to the U S A in the nineteenth century. (With the bun), was re-introduced into Europe by the U S A in the form of a McDonalds Big Mac, presumably to get their own back on Europe for introducing it to the U S A in first place.

Hamlet     (1) Tragedy by William Shakespeare.  (2)  Tragedy in the form of cancer sticks by Benson & Hedges Ltd.

Hara Kiri    Ritual death by suicide.

Hara Kiri Te Kanawe     Ritual death by listening to New Zealand sopranos.

Hardened Criminal.    A criminal who has been assassinated then buried in the concrete foundations of a motorway flyover.

Harry Houdini    Unfortunately, despite being sealed in an iron safe secured by heavy chains and locks, Houdini's details have disappeared.

Heat Treatment    Taken into custody and 'questioned' by the police.

Hebrews    What He has to do if He is in the doghouse and He wants cup of tea.

Henry Moore   (1898-1986) English sculptor who included big holes in everything he sculpted. Far and away his most realistic-looking piece of work is of a large lump of gruyere cheese, but Moore himself didn't care for it, declaring it to be not innovative enough.

Henry Kissinger    (b 1923) American statesman and intellectual. His assistant Henry Shagginger (1923-72) was shorter lived and less intellectual than Kissinger, but had more fun.