Herpes    The Greek God of Embarrassing Illnesses.

Hibernianation    The dormant state into which Scotsmen sink after consuming large amounts of alcohol.

Hindu Kush    The edges of an Indian snooker table.

His Most Serene And Majestic Highness King Olin Of Zog, Defender Of The Faith, Most Exalted Ruler Of All He Surveys, Supreme Patriarch And Protector Of All His Subjects, Most Divine And Revered Of Human Beings, The Most Marvellous Deity Whose Magnificent Feet Have Ever Touched The Earth       A right wanker.

Ho Chi Minh   (1892-1969) Leader of the Vietnam revolutionist national party of Indo-China. Very fond of curry and suffered with chronic diarrhoea, see Ho Chi Minh Trail.

Ho Chi Minh Trail    Truong Son Mountains, used by the North Vietnamese during the 1960's to act as a supply line for ammunition, food and a cure for Ho Chi Minh's diarrhoea.

Homophone    (1) A word having the same pronunciation as another but a different spelling. (2) A gayboys chat-line.

Honey I Shrunk The Kids    Bland American film comedy starring Rick Moranis. A planned sequel, Honey I Drowned The Kids, promises to be a little more realistic.

Hornet    What the womenfolk of Tyneside wear on their heads to keep their hair tidy.

Howling Monkey    A genus of South American monkey noted for its laryngeal conformation which enables it to emit a loud reverberant noise, something between a yell and a howl, as the name suggests. Note however that most monkeys will emit a similar such sound if kicked forcefully in the bollocks.

Hunchfront of Notre Dame, The    Colette, Notre Dame cathedral guide with big tits.

Hydraulic Ram     A male goat which displaces water by shagging the hole in a water butt.