John Logie Baird     (1888-1946) Scottish pioneer of television, which he is reputed to have invented in 1925. In point of fact he invented it in 1915, but Heartbeat was on at the time and he spent the next ten years deliberating on whether or not he could bring himself to foist such rubbish on the general public.

John Bull    Imaginary figure, the personification of England, represented in caricatures as a prosperous farmer of the 18th century.

John Bullshit    A prosperous farmer of the 21st century who is always pleading poverty, and probably made thousands out of the Foot and Mouth epidemic of 2001.

John Louden McAdam    (1756-1836) Scottish engineer who invented the Macadam road surface, when he accidentally dropped a haggis onto some granite chippings. Today it is bound with tar and asphalt, as are the granite chippings which make Macadam road surfaces.

Johnny Weissmuller (Tarzan)    (1904-84) American swimmer and actor. He won the 100 metres freestyle gold medal in 1924 in a record time, despite having to fight and kill two crocodiles on the way.

Jordan    Topless model who in 2004 reverted back to her former name, which upset the middle east country of the same name as it had no wish to be known as Katy Price.

Jose Carreras    The one in The Three Tenors that people had never heard of.

Joystick    Male reproductive organ.

Julius Caeser     (c.101-44 BC) Roman emperor, and the world's first dyslexic, his real surname being spelled and pronounced Ceaser. However he was held in such fear that nobody dared tell him. His death therefore came as a relief to some, notably Brutus and Mark Anthony, who were quite frankly getting a bit fed up of Caeser calling them Burtus and Mrak Atnothy. Delighted as they were however, they were not nearly so pleased as Caesar's manservant Asrehole.

Jump Leads    Information about girls who are up for it.

Junk     A small Chinese boat.

Junk Junk     A small Chinese boat used for carrying dope.

Junk Junk Junk    A small useless Chinese boat used for carrying dope.

Junk Junk Junk Junk    Any four consecutive programmes on British Saturday night television.