Karaoke     (Japanese, 'empty orchestra'). Amateur singing in public to pre-recorded backing tapes (English, 'empties pub').

Karate    Japanese martial art. Students of Karate learn deep mental control before unleashing latent forces on film producers, who, to stop themselves being kicked to death, offer them parts in cheap martial arts films.

Karl Marx     Brother to Groucho, Chico, Harpo, Zeppo and Gummo, who threw him out of The Marx Brothers comedy act for banging on about the need to reverse Hegel's formulation that mind of spirit determines the course of history whilst they were busy trying to rehearse an exploding kipper routine for the film Duck Soup.

Kentucky Fried Chicken    An item of fast food invented by Colonel Sanders, this is a piece of chicken, deep-fried, after first having been coated in "Colonel Sanders' Secret Recipe". In fact the recipe isn't a complete secret as it is quite obvious that rat's arseholes must feature prominently amongst the ingredients of something that tastes so utterly revolting.

KFC Bucket   A bucket which not only contains several pieces of fried chicken but which after having eaten them leaves you with a handy receptacle to be sick in.

Kilogram     A unit of weight, a fraction of which it is quite impossible for anyone aged over forty to change into pounds and ounces when buying apples, tomatoes, meat, etc.

King Harold     (1022-66) Last Saxon king of England. Fond of sports and pastimes. Died whilst trying to popularise the hobby of arrow spotting.

King Kong     Giant ape who was prudently fenced off by the natives of the island which they both inhabited, and who the world would never have seen if the natives hadn't imprudently put a King Kong-sized door in the fence.

Kiss and Tell     Polite expression for what in truth should be called Shag and Blag.

Kitchens Indirect    A firm which rings you up and tells you they are conducting a survey, then tries to sell you a kitchen.

Kittiwake    A cat which isn't asleep.

Kiwi Fruit     New Zealand gay homosexual.

Klingon    (1) A member of a race of people who are sworn enemies of Captain James T Kirk. (2) The name for a rubber johnny on the planet Kroll. When the Krolls go into battle they stick them to the front right-hand side of their spaceship as a sign of their virilty, hence the expression 'There's Klingons on the starboard bow.'

Ku Klux Klan    A secret society, largely confined to the Southern States of America, which discriminates against Negroes. They try to retain anonymity by wearing white sheets over their heads. A splinter group, the Kold Klux Klan, do much the same thing, but wear duvets.

Kung Fu     Chinese art of unarmed combat.

Kung Fuk Yu     Chinese art of running away quickly when someone tries to do Kung Fu on them.