Lava      Half a lavatory. The other half is called a Tory.

Lawnmower     A grass cutting machine, mostly driven by petrol engine or electric, which, regardless of how often it was used the previous year, always breaks down two minutes after it as been started up for the first cut of the current year.

Law Of Sequels     This new law was recognised in the 80s when sequels to films first began to proliferate.The Law of Sequels states that - 'Any sequel to a film will only be 42 per cent as good as the original film.' Hence Rocky 2 will only be 42 per cent as good as Rocky. Rocky 3 will only be 42 per cent as good as Rocky 2, or 42 per cent of 42 per cent as good as Rocky. Rocky 4 will only be 42 per cent as good as Rocky 3, or 42 per cent of 42 per cent of 42 per cent as good as Rocky. And Rocky 5 will only be 42 per cent as good as Rocky 4, or 42 per cent of 42 per cent of 42 per cent of 42 per cent of Rocky - which given the fact that Rocky was piss poor anyway, isn't very good at all.

League Against Cruel Sports     An organisation which campaigns against fox-hunting, hare-coursing and Manchester United playing Manchester City.

Leaning Tower of Pisa     In point of fact this famous Italian landmark doesn't lean at all; it is perfectly straight. It is the rest of Italy which leans.* However the Italians, wishing to hide this fact to protect their tourist industry, constructed what to all intents and purposes is the Straight Tower of Pisa, called it The Leaning Tower of Pisa, and the rest of the world lives on in ignorance.

* This goes some way to explaining the appalling standard of driving in Italy.

Lemming     Small, light brown rodents, with migratory and suicidal tendencies, abounding in Scandinavia. It is generally considered that it is overbreeding which causes them to regularly march into the sea or throw themselves off cliff-tops in their thousands, but a more realistic explanation is that they are simply pissed off with having to live in Scandinavia.

Leonardo da Vinci     (1452-1519) Italian artist and man of science. He described himself to the Duke of Milan, when applying for the post of City Planner, as a painter, architect, philosopher, poet, composer, sculptor, athlete, mathematician, inventor and anatomist. A right smartarse then. During his lifetime his paintings were not highly regarded; in fact it is generally believed that Mona Lisa asked for her money back, remarking that the only time she had ever looked like that was when she was a schoolgirl and got away with blaming a fart on one of her classmates.

Leonardo DiCrapio     Leonardo DiCaprio's less talented cousin.

Levitation     The act of removing a pair of jeans whilst in a horizontal position.

Lessons Have Been Learned     Euphemism beloved of politicians which means 'We've fucked up again'.