National Anathema    See National Anthem.

National Anthem    Patriotic song. In Britain gives rise to national anathema in 99 per cent of the population.

National Lottery    The National Health Service.

Near EastEast.

Nell Gwynn   (1650-87) English actress, mistress of Charles II, who gave her two children. Also a mistress of the Spaniard Del Monte, who gave her a basket of oranges.

Nellie Melba    (1861-1931) Australian soprano. Peach Melba (a dessert), Melba Toast (crisp, thin toast) were named after her, as was, in later years after she'd lost control of her bladder, the Wet Nellie (vanilla custard slice).

New Guinea    An island in the South Seas whose inhabitants speak 750 different languages. This makes communication difficult, so becoming skilled in all the various tongues not only gives a native of the islands a distinct advantage, but also gives him the bonus of being able to tell telesales people to piss off in 750 languages.

New Jersey    What your aunt gets you for Christmas if she doesn't get socks.

Niagra    Expensive new drug, not yet generally available, which should do for men who have a problem urinating what Viagra does for men with impotency problems.

Nike    Goddess of £100 trainers. Worshipped by all posers and Nike shareholders.

Nipples    Italian seaport, modelled on the seven hills of Rome, but with only two hills.

Nissan Hut    Really spacious but crappy Japanese car.

Noel Edmonds    A degenerative illness, named after Anthony Noel and George Edmonds, the doctors who isolated it in 1986. The condition has the effect of changing one's personality from the norm to that of a pretentious little shite with an ego the size of a small planet. Thankfully only one such case has ever been recorded.

Norman Architecture    (1066-1120) English builder, who along with his son, Brian Architecture, ran the civil engineering firm of Architecture and Son. Both men were built like brick shithouses, and the hefty-looking buildings which they were responsible for mirrored this.

Norman (Fatboy Slim) Cook    Disc jockey and recording artist who samples (steals) other people's records. Apparently anguished for months before choosing his name, wanting to be sure that he picked the silliest name possible. However why he should want to do this when he already had the eminently silly name of Norman Cook remains a mystery.  

Nuisance    In law, interference with the enjoyment of land or property. Private Nuisance is when, for example, a man shits on your front lawn, Public Nuisance is when he then knocks on your front door and asks you for some toilet paper.