Optical Express    A spectacles shop which specialises in getting hold of your money extremely quickly.

Optical Illusion    The phenomenon by which a person believes that the advertised cost of their new spectacles from Optical Express is what they will eventually end up paying for them.

Organised Crime    Fees of Solicitors, Barristers, etc.

Orienteering    Climbing up Chinamen.

Orthodox Jew     Of Judaism; with strict retention of traditional observance of the Jewish faith. As opposed to Unorthodox Jews, who behave in exactly the same things as Orthodox Jews but do it riding a unicycle whilst juggling with six matzo balls.

Osama Bin Liner    Arab despot who terrorises council tips.

Oscars, The     Annual film awards ceremony in which film stars vie to give the most excruciatingly embarrassing and insincere acceptance speech. This usually involves mentioning everybody from "My folks, for having me." to "My dog walker's best friend's cousin", and ought to include "The sick bag manufacturer who made it possible for people to sit through this acceptance speech."

Osteopath    From the Greek Oste and the Irish O'path. A steep narrow lane which gives you a bad back if you walk up it too often.

Otter    What it is in Greece, compared to London, when East Enders go there for a holiday.

Ottoman    Seat-like sofa without back or arms.

Ottoman Empire    The empire founded after 100,000 seat-like sofas without backs or arms attacked and conquered Istanbul's furniture warehouses. Still survives to this day, on a smaller scale, in Harrods and quality department stores.

Our Price     Chain of CD and Video retailers who would have the buying public believe that they are getting a bargain.

Our Profit    What Our Price are getting more of than what the public are getting bargains in at Our Price.

Ova    Russian suffix added to a man's surname to make the surname of his spouse, hence:- Malenkov - Malenkova, Leg - Legova, Isit - Isitova, Gladitz - Gladitzova.

Oxbridge    Portmanteau word, derived by taking the first two letters of Oxford and the last six letters of Cambridge, which describes the characteristics of Oxford and Cambridge universities. This method of describing the similarities of two particular universities has been less successful with other seats of learning, notably when describing the universities of Glasgow and Edinburgh (Glnburgh) and especially the universities of Sheffield and Spithead.