Pot Noodles    A new BBC TV game show due to be unveiled next year. Commentator John Virgo and a guest snooker player, both suspended upside down from a slowly moving overhead track, will pass in front of two contestants. Urged on by Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer, dressed as Chinamen, the winner will be the first of the contestants to fill the snooker players' pockets with steaming hot noodles, using a snooker cue.

Pottering    The act, by an adult, of reading a Harry Potter book that is secreted within a larger book for grown-ups.

Prato    Greek philosopher who wore his baseball cap back to front.

Pregnant Pause    The period between a woman having a baby and falling pregnant again.

Premature Ejaculatio   .......oops.

Pre-packed Bananas    Bananas which are packed in small quantities and weighed prior to being offered for sale; as opposed to 'loose bananas', which are really cool bananas man, and who swagger around saying, 'Hey dude, look at me, I'm a banana!'

President Francois Duvalier    (1907-71), dictator of Haiti. Known as Papa Doc. He had a child, Baby Doc, and not another child, Abortion Doc.

Pride And Prejudice     Novel by Jane Austen (1775-1817), about people with names like Darcy who say things like: "I would deem it a great honour Miss Bennett, if you could find it within your heart to permit your good self and my humble person to attain a close proximity, the object of which would be to pursue that physical dalliance beloved of those who have become enamoured of each other" when all they mean is "Fancy a shag?"

Prince Andrew    The porky one who they don't really know what to do with.

Prince Charles    Heir to the British throne. Chases foxes and sleeps with Camilla Parker-Bowles, which can only be slightly more enjoyable than chasing Camilla Parker-Bowles and sleeping with foxes.

Prince Edward    Seventh in line for the throne, first in line for the handouts.

Prince Philip    Fathered the above three. Enough said.

Prince Rainier    Superlative of Prince Rain.

Prince Raining Cats and Dogs    Another superlative of Prince Rain; twin brother of Prince Absolutely Pissing Down.

Princess Anne, the Princess Royal    Probably the most useful of the Queen's children; perhaps as much as 0.1 % useful.

Ptarmigan     Game bird. The 'P' is silent, although the ptarmigan isn't, which is the main reason why it keeps getting shot.

Pub Grub     Any insect or insects larva, often Caterpillars (, found, usually on lettuce leaves, in food served up in public houses.

Publicity     The business of advertising goods or persons. It has been said that there is no such thing as bad publicity, although it is doubtful if Mo Mowlam's hairdresser would agree.

Public Hair     The pubic hair of a striptease artist.

Pulp Fiction     Jarvis Cocker is a big fan of Michael Jackson.

Purr     Low continuous vibratory sound made by a cat, expressing pleasure.

Purrghhh!    The sound made by a tom cat after having been lulled into a false sense of security then being neutered.

Pyramid Sales    The marketing of the Egyptian Pyramids, although none have ever actually been sold. This is probably because although the price of them is comparatively modest the delivery charge is horrendous.

Pythagorus    Greek philosopher and football fan who proved that the square pies at Wigan Athletic are equal to the hot pot in use at Oldham Athletic.