Phonetics    Highly satisfactory pastime. Two separate phone lines are required, and the object is to get two telesales people talking to each other. It is at its most rewarding when the player can contrive to get them trying to sell new kitchens to each other.

Pill, The     Commonly used term for the contraceptive pill. Based on female hormones. Taken orally, it is more than 99% effective. Placed between the knees it is 100% effective.

Pin Number    4398.

Piss Artist    Someone who makes yellow drawings in the snow.

Piss Hof     Town in Bavaria, Germany, which does not welcome tourists.

Pitt the Elder    British Prime Minister at the age of forty eight.

Pitt the Younger    British Prime Minister at the age of twenty four.

Pitt the Foetus    Youngest ever British Prime Minister.

Placenta    Italian kindergarten.

Plasticene     In the Quaternary period of geological time. During this period all dinosaurs were made of plasticene and ended up getting trod into the carpet, which eventually led to their extinction.

Plumber     Member of a profession for whom the word 'tomorrow' has a completely different meaning, especially when preceded by the words 'I'll be round'.

PMM    Pre Menstrual Misgivings. Feelings that a man has about his marriage when his wife is experiencing Pre Menstrual Tension.

Pneumatic Drill    Specialised training in military exercises in the armed forces for women with big breasts.

Pole Dance    7.30 till 11.30. Warsaw Town Hall. Bar. Music by the Stanislav Six.

Police Complaints Authority    A body which deals with policemen's complaints, such as flat feet, obesity, and temporary blindness when trying to find burglars.

Police Dog     WPC 43634 Grimshaw.

Politician    Statesman, half man, half truth.

Poltergeist    A noisy type of spirit which specialises in moving and throwing things about, mostly household objects, often breaking them. Poltergeists in their physical incarnation work for a living, most of them being employed by Pickfords or other house removal firms.

Pony Express    A national daily newspaper for ponies, from the Express Group of Newspapers. A typical article reads 'Neigh neigh neigh neigh, neigh neigh neigh neigh neigh, neigh,' making it only a slightly less boring read than the Daily Express.

Pope Guilty I    Originally called Pope Innocent XIV, but was only Innocent until proven Guilty.

Post Horn    The period immediately following ejaculation.

Postnatal Depression    Mood change occurring in mothers four to five days after the birth of their offspring, and by fathers when their offspring becomes a teenager.

Potato    An edible tuberous root, rich in starch. Sir Walter Raleigh introduced it to King James I, but after the latter had taken it out for a few weeks they drifted apart and he married someone else.