Sake    Japanese rice wine.

Sake, For Fuck's     Expression often uttered by Westerners on first tasting Sake.

Salman Rushdie    British writer, born in India. After writing the novel 'The Satanic Verses' in 1988, he was put under constant armed guard. This wasn't to protect him after the Ayatollah Khomeini had issued a fatwa calling for Rushdie to be killed, as was generally believed, but in a failed attempt to stop him writing any more duff novels.

Satellite Navigation System (Sat Nav)     See Mystery Tour.

Septic Tank     A large armoured fighting lavatory.

Salt Beef City    Settlement in the state of Utah, USA, created especially for Jewish/Mormon mixed marriages. Any male offspring resulting from such a marriage are allowed up to three wives, and are allowed to eat pork provided that the pig has been circumcised.

Salvadore Deli    Spanish painter who specialised in painting surrealist works of art with hot pastrami on rye sandwiches.

Samuel Crompton    (1757-1827) English Football referee and inventor of the 'Spinning Mule'. At first the Spinning Mule was a very unpopular invention, as the captains of football teams were used to having a coin spun to determine which way their team would kick first, and following its introduction several deaths by squashing occurred when Crompton called 'Heads or tails?'and the captains got too near. THankfullyCrompton then started using his invention in the textiles industry and reverted to tossing a coin.

Samuel Designer Trainer    (1824-98) Formerly Samuel Plimsoll, his name was changed by pretentious descendants. The line invented by him that goes round a ship is still known as the 'Plimsoll Line' however, but it can only be a matter of time before Adidas cotton on to the commercial possibilities and try to change it to the 'Adidas Line' .

San Andreas Fault    There isn't very much to do there at night. The occasional earthquakes in the San Andreas region don't help matters much either.

Sans-Culotte     (French, 'without knee breeches')

Sans-Sharon Stone    (Anglo French, 'without knickers')

Satellite Navigation System (Sat-Nav)    An in-car navigatonal system designed to get a motor can from point A to point B via narrow mountain passes, fords, farmyards and point C.

Scouting For Boys    (1) Lord Baden-Powell’s bible for Boy Scouts. (2) Handbook of tips for paedophiles.

Sculpture    The lump of marble that you collide with when stepping back to view a painting in an art gallery.

Sensible Shoes    Shoes which show reasonableness or good judgment; wise.

Serf Riding    Mediaeval sex between master and servant.

Shaker     Shaker (1) A member of a religious sect, so called because of their uncontrolled jerkings in moments of religious ecstasy. (2) A man who is scrupulous about making sure that every last drop of urine has been accounted for after emptying his bladder.

Shell Shock   The trauma felt by all car owners the first time they visit a Shell filling station following The Budget.

Sheep    The sixteenth entry in the 1923 edition of The Australian Dictionary. The entry reads - 'Sheep, just in case you missed it the first time.' The fifteenth entry is- 'Sheep, a four-legged animal' whilst the seventeenth entry reads 'Sheila - a woman, not quite a smelly as a sheep".

Sheikh Thedropsoff   Kuwait Minister of Gents Public Conveniences.

Shogun Wedding   A marriage in which the father of the bride forces the groom to marry his pregnant daughter by threatening him with a Mitsubish 4X4 off road vehicle.

Shiite Rebels    Members of a Moslem race who by open rebellion forced their government to put another letter 'i' in their name.

Shitland Pony    Small Albanian horse.

Siege of Sevastopol    (1854-55) A bloody engagement in the Crimean War, a conflict between Britain, aided by France and Russia. An oddity of Sevastopol is that three British generals who took part in it gave their names to items of clothing; Lord Cardigan, who gave his name to the button-up wool tunic he favoured; Lord Raglan, who gave his name to the type of wide sleeves he preferred in his tunics; and Lord Underpants, who gave his name to the garment in which he shit himself when he saw the enemy.

Singher     Indian sewing machine.

Sir Barns Wallis    Inventor of the Bouncing Barn, forerunner to the Bouncing Bomb, which was used in the Second World War to breach the Ruhr dams in Germany. The only time the Bouncing Barn was used it sank on hitting the water, with the loss of all twenty cows.