Spice Girls, The    Nineties Girlband. All the songs they sang had totally stupid lyrics, except for their 'I Wish We Had A Brain Cell Between Us'.

Spoonerism     (After William Archibald Spooner (1844–1930), British cleric and scholar.) A transposition of sounds of two or more words; usually a slop of the ting or simply a matter of pismronunciation.

Spotted Flymisser     Very thin Spotted Flycatcher.

Spirit Level    The mark on a bottle of whisky, brandy, etc, put there by the house owner, to which the cleaner tops up with water after helping herself to a drink.

Springer Spaniel    (1) A type of spaniel, brown and white in colour. (2) Any spaniel which has just been kicked up the arse.

Stairlift    A motorised chair device used by old people as an aid to getting up staircases. A much cheaper method is to put their meals on the top step of the staircase along with their false teeth.

Stake and Chips    Dracula's last meal.

Stalactite    Deposit of calcium carbonate, in form like a large icicle, hanging from the roof of a cave.

Stalagmite    A stalactite-like deposit, standing on the floor of a cave. (Note. People who confuse stalactites with stalagmites should remember that tights come down and mites go up.)

Stalagtights    Eva Braun's underwear. (Which went both up and down, probably with great regularity).

Standing Ovation    Sustained applause or cheering to express approval, whilst stood up. Believed to have first occurred following a speech by their President at the Annual General Meeting of Haemorrhoid Sufferers, even though it had been an exceptionally dull speech.

Standing Ovulation    Production of female germ-cell whilst stood up, often in a bus shelter.

Star Chamber    Barbra Streisand's pisspot.

Star Trek     Long-running TV series set in space, in which Captain James T Kirk and the crew of the starship 'Enterprise' swore "To boldly go where no man has gone before, split many more infinitives, and visit over a hundred planets, every one of whose occupants speak English."

Stars In Their Eyes    A TV wannabe show in which people who don't look anything like famous singers are given the opportunity to demonstrate that they don't sound anything like them either.

Strictly Come Dancing    Award winning porngraphic film musical.

Studio Audience    A collection of certified maniacs assembled together to watch the recording of TV shows such as The X Factor.

Sturgeon    Large anadromous fish, yielding caviar, and esteemed as food. In Britain anyone catching a sturgeon is obliged to hand it over to the reigning monarch. However the present incumbent shouldn't hold her breath as apparently none have been caught since the year 1343.

Suffragette    The name given to a person who is currently somewhere between the first and sixth day of giving up smoking cigarettes.

Sumo Wrestling    This form of wrestling, steeped in history and ritual, is an important part of Japanese culture. To Western eyes the sport poses many questions, such as - What is the significance of the elaborate hairstyle worn by a Sumo Wrestler? Why do they throw handfuls of salt in the ring? And how on earth do they manage to they wipe their arses when they've been to the lavatory?

Sunday Rainforest    Alternative title of the Sunday Times.

Sushi    Brilliant confidence trick pulled off by the Japanese in which the principle of added value has been reversed, inasmuch as that where previously cooked fish cost more than raw fish now raw fish costs more than cooked fish.

Suttee    Hindu custom whereby a widow committed suicide by joining her husband's funeral pyre. It was abandoned in the 17th century after several widows had refused to enter into the spirit of things by taking a bucket of water with them.

Sweet Pee    The act of urinating after having been dying to go for an hour.

Swimming    The world's second most boring sport, ranking just above Grass Spotting but below Basketball.

Sydney.    Largest city in Australia and state capital of New South Wales. A sun-soaked city full of wide boulevards, good restaurants, beaches, theatres, art galleries and parks. Unfortunately it is also full of Australians. It was named after the aborigine Sydney Wollongobong. When cities are named after someone it is customary to use the person's surname, however in this instance the Christian name was deemed to be more suitable since it was felt that the majority of white Australians would soon start calling their city Wollongobongthatabbobastard.

Synchronised Swimming    A kind of choreographed water ballet for two or more swimmers. As an underwater sport it comes a poor second to farting in the bath and watching the bubbles come up, and fourth to Swimming, see above.