Skyscraper     An implement for cleaning off the build-up of crap on the tube of a television set after it has been exposed to the output of Sky TV for any length of time.

Slag Heap    Large pile of Essex Girls.

Sleeping Policeman    A policeman who has been on the piss the night the night before. Usually to be found slumped in his seat with his hat over his eyes in a police car parked in a lay-by.

S L Lowry    (1910-1987) Northern England artist who painted scenes in Lancashire mill towns. He started painting slightly before his namesake, L S Lowry, but his concept of painting people in the image of cigarette lighters was not as popular as the latter's Matchstick Men. Desperate for recognition for his work Lowry commissioned the pop duo Michael and Brian to compose and sing a song about him, but the song, 'And He Painted Cigarette Lighter Men And Cigarette Lighter Cats And Dogs' was not a success, partly because it didn't scan, but mostly because it was a load of sentimental crap. It is generally accepted that L S Lowry got his idea for Matchstick Men from S L Lowry's Cigarette Lighter men idea, but this was no consolation to S L, who died in poverty. Or was it Oldham?

Sniffer Dog    In fact all dogs sniff (other dogs' private parts for one thing), but specifically a Sniffer Dog is one which sniffs out drugs - although how it can smell cocaine after having had its nose halfway up another dog's bum is one of life's great mysteries.

Snooker     An indoor game played with twenty two balls, six of them 'colours', fifteen 'reds', and a white 'cue ball.' A 'screwshot' is when the player makes the cue ball move backwards after hitting the object ball; a 'double' is when the player tries to pot the object ball off two cushions; a 'plant' is something with green leaves, that stands in the corner in a pot.

Snow White And The Seven Men Of Restricted Growth    Politically correct pantomime due next year. Others planned are The Sleeping Woman Of Average Looks, Dick and Fanny Whittington, Mouseylocks, Aladandalassin and Humpty And Man With Normal Back Dumpty.

Snowy Owl    (1) Large white owl which breeds on northern tundra and moorland. (2) Any owl which has just received a direct hit by a snowball.

Soddem Hussein   Saddam Hussein's even more evil brother.

Soft Drink    A beverage usually consisting of fruit, or fruits, and sugars, mixed with water. The 'soft' refers not to the fruits in question, but to the mental state of the people who pay the ridiculous prices demanded for these drinks, especially in licensed premises.

Soliloquy     A solo utterance by a character talking to him or herself. Examples are Shakespeare's charcter 'Hamlet', and any woman asking her husband to do something for her when he's watching football on TV.

Somerset Maugham    (1874-1965) British writer. He practised as a doctor, until the success of 'Liza of Lambeth' (1857) followed by 'Of Human Bondage'. His younger brother Lancashire Maugham (1876-1960) also practised as a doctor, until the failure of his 'Dolly of Ramsbottom' followed by 'Of Human Bandage', then carried on just being a doctor.

South Sea Bubble    The very end of a Polynesian condom.

Spam    Unwanted, unsolicited, pork luncheon meat.

Spanish Civil War    (1936-1939) The war between the Spanish Fascists and Republicans.

Spanish Uncivil War    (1938-1939) The part of the Spanish Civil War in which one of the Republicans called Franco a Dago twat.

Spartacus     Thracian gladiator portrayed in the film of the same name by the American actor Kirk Douglas. The film featured a double crucifixion scene in which Spartacus was crucified by the Roman general Crassus and the English language was crucified by the aforementioned Kirk Douglas.

Sperm    A generative fluid with the appearance, texture, density and smell of wallpaper paste. Can in fact be used instead of wallpaper paste in an emergency. However on no account must wallpaper paste be used as sperm unless you want your child growing up to be a painter and decorator.

Sperm Bank    Raised wall-like elevation of sperm found on some Mediterranean beaches. Almost certainly caused by condoms being thrown into the sea following frenzied sexual activity in Club 18-30 and Club Foot 18-30 locations, then the contents of same being washed ashore by the tide. See Ibiza Tourist Attractions.