Tackyograph     Car instrument for measuring the quantity of nodding dogs, baby on board signs, fluffy steering wheel covers, dice dangling in the windscreen, anything pink and any other tacky things.

Take-away     A meal purchased from a food outlet, usually of Eastern origin, and eaten at home. Take-aways are almost always bought by people who are either (a) too tired to be bothered to prepare a home-cooked meal, (b) in search of a challenge (trying to guess what it is), or (c) pissed. Those buying a take-away for reason (b) will have a greater chance of success if they happen to be (c).

Tambourine     A wooden hoop with a membrane stretched across it with metal jingles inserted in the side. Frequently used by a member of a rock band who can't play a musical instrument or sing, but is a relative of the band's leader.

Tampon    One of the items pulled out of a woman's handbag when she is looking for her mobile phone.

Tarmac    A mixture of small stones bound together with tar, used to make road surfaces. Always made in such a quantity that there will be enough left over from the job for two Irishmen to re-lay your drive with.

Tesco    Giant supermarket chain. The name is believed to be a contraction of the words Testicles and Cohen, the store’s founder, as they have people who have nowhere else to shop by the bollocks.

Tessa Sanderson    Olympic throwing the javelin champion. (Pictured here after being unplaced in her other event, catching the discus)

The All Blacks      The New Zealand Rugby Union team.

The Hardly Any Blacks     The South African Rugby Union team.

The Last of the Mohicans     Disappointing novel by James Fenimore Cooper (1789-1851) about an Indian tribe's foot-shaped piece of metal used in the making and repairing of shoes. In fact despite the book's title the Mohicans' last is never mentioned once in the entire book.

The Thick Red Line     The two hundred soldiers of the Third Yorkshire Foot, who engaged in battle immediately prior to the soldiers who made up 'The Thin Red Line'. The Thick Red Line met their deaths when their Commanding Officer ordered them to fire at will, and they all fired at Rifleman Will Holmfirth, one of their colleagues, and shot each other dead in the ensuing confusion.

The Thingy     Sci-fi horror film for movie fans with bad memories.

Theme Park     An amusement park with a central theme or themes, such as Alton Towers, for people who like queueing up all day.

Theory of Relativity     Stated as 'At weddings relatives will only refrain from being catty about each other as long as they remain reasonably sober.' Expressed in the formula B=b6 squared, where B is bitchiness and b is units of booze consumed.

Therm     A measure of gas, dreamed up by the then British Gas Board, which ensures that nobody can work out if they are being charged the right amount when they get their gas bill.

Thermocoupling     Sex with a hot water bottle.

Thesaurus     Collection of words with related meaning. Thesaurus compilers include Peter Mark Roget and Francis Bacon, Rasher, Tranche de Lard, Salt Pork, Ham, Gammon, Pig Meat, That Red Stuff With A Rind Which You Have For Breakfast With Eggs.

Third Degree     Of the seventies girl band The Three Degrees.The one on the left with the nice tits.

Thirteenth Birthday     The twenty four hour period in which a human being goes from knowing hardly anything at all to knowing everything.