Thomas Gainsborough     (1727-88) British painter. Spent his early career in East Anglia painting local merchants and squires, then started to paint pictures of them instead and never looked back.

Thomas Gray     (1716-71) English poet, author of 'Elegy written in a Country Churchyard', 'Ode on a Distant Prospect of Eton College', and 'Rhyme by an English Poet who had a Penchant for making up Long and Very Boring Titles for his Poems'.

Thomas Shithouse     What the inventor of the washdown toilet Thomas Crapper might just as well have been called, for all the respect people have given to his name.

Thora Hird     Wonderful late British actress, grand old lady of stage, screen and Churchill's Stairlifts. Until her untimely demise she was to have starred as 'M' opposite the returning Sean Connery, in a new James Bond picture, provided that the boffins at Churchills managed to come up with a two-seater stairlift.

Three Piece Suite      Furniture comprising of one settee and two chairs, one of which Martin Kemp is sat on.

Thumbscrew      Sexual foreplay.

Tiddlywinks     A sleep of about two hours duration, taken by a man on the living room settee after coming home from the pub bladdered on Sunday afternoon.

Tiger     Largest of the great cats panthera tigris. The mating of a male tiger with a female lion produces a Tigon.The mating of a female tiger with a male lion results in a Liger. The mating of a male tiger with a porcupine results in a Tiger With Very Sore Bollocks.

'Tiger' Woods     American golfer. 'Tiger' Woods is of course not his real name. It's Tiger Nuts.

Timeshare     A share of a holiday home, especially in Portugal and Spain, on the only week of the year when it rains all week.

Tireless     A car shortly after it has been parked in Moss Side, Manchester.

Titillate     Overdue feed for breast-fed baby.

Tom Cruise     Boat based ocean-going holiday for male cats.

Ton     Imperial unit of mass. The long ton is 2240 lbs. The short ton is 2000 lbs. The shi ton is what somebody has been if they have paid for a long ton and been given a short ton.

Tossing the Caber     Event included in the Scottish Highland Games. It was originally called Carrying the Caber, a race of a hundred yards carrying a caber, a tapered tree trunk about 20ft long, but became Tossing the Caber in September 1956 following an incident during a Carrying the Caber race when a spectator in the crowd yelled out 'Free whisky for the first man to touch me.'

Trades Union Congress      Sexual intercourse between members of a trades union.

Trainspotting     Ground-breaking British film. After its premiere in 1996 was the subject of a demonstration by 83 people in anoraks, who complained bitterly that there weren'y any trains in it. The following year, in an act of revenge, the disgruntled 83 financed 'Mainlining', a film about the 8.26 train from London Euston to Manchester Piccadilly. They then arranged a sneak preview of the film after distributing free tickets to 2000 druggies. Their plan backfired however when the druggies loved the film, likening the image of the train entering a tunnel as the ultimate in shooting up, so the film was never released.

Transcendental Meditation      Technique of deep concentration and focusing of the mind. Meditators are given a 'Mantra', a special word or phrase, to chant over and over. It was introduced to the West by Maharishi Mahesh Yogi and was popular with The Beatles, especially the late George Harrison, who apparently was given the phrase 'She's So Fine' to chant, round about the time he wrote 'My Sweet Lord'.

Trappist Monks      A Cistercian order of monks, noted for their total silence. Amongst the hardships they endure are very early rising, cold stone floors, and not being able to send out for a pizza. However the latter is regarded by some as an advantage.

Tree Fellers      Three Irishmen.

Tree Frog      Occurs in America and Australia. Also found in England when small boys climb trees in order to place Common Frogs on the upper branches to see what they will do. As the Common Frog lacks the adhesive discs at the tips of the fingers enjoyed by their American and Australian cousins, it usually falls out of the tree quite quickly, making it well worth the effort of putting it up there.

Truth      State of being true or accurate or honest or sincere. Almost completely unheard of in British politics, where it is used about as often as a pair of Imelda Marcos's shoes.

Turban District Council      The Urban District Council in towns like Oldham, Bolton and other towns in t'county of Lancashire.

TWAT Airlines      An airline company similar to TWA except that instead of accidentally losing your luggage it does it on purpose.