Wading Bird    A bird which puts a knotted handkerchief on its head, rolls up its trousers and paddles in the sea at Blackpool.

Wailing Wall     Part of the Temple in Jerusalem, a sacred site of pilgrimage and prayer for Jews. It is known as the Wailing Wall because of the involuntary wailing noise made by the first Jew who worshipped there when he was told to pray at it, but thought he had been told to pay at it.

Wallsend    Town in NE England on the River Tyne, at the eastern end of Hadrian's Wall. It was named Wallsend following a competition, confined to accountants and solicitors, to come up with an innovative name for it.

Wankel Engine    A type of internal combustion engine so named because the inventor had the idea for it while masturbating on the lavatory while looking at a car parts calendar.

War and Peace    A novel by Leo Tolstoy. It is the only book ever written, apart from the novels of Jeffrey Archer, which takes longer to read than it did to write.

Washing Machine    A domestic device into which one can put six pairs of dirty socks and about an hour later have four and a half pairs of clean socks.

Water     In its purest form H2O, two parts of hydrogen to one part of oxygen. However many other forms of water exist, notably H18 O9 HAM1, tinned ham.

Water Rat    Chief executive of a water company.

Wayne Comatose    The less lively cousin of dancer Wayne Sleep.

W C Fields    The area of a Rock Festival venue which is used as the lavatories. (Usually all of it).

Wedding Anniversaries    are, first; Paper: second, Cotton: third, for women, Leather: for men, The Cold Shoulder (After having forgotten it).

Weightlifting    There are two standard lifts, the 'Snatch' and the 'Jerk'. In the Snatch, the bar and weights are lifted from the floor to a position with the arms outstretched and above the head in one continuous movement, and the arms must be locked together for two seconds for the lift to be good. In the Jerk you have to lift Dale Winton.

Weightwatchers    Voyeurs who prefer to look at fat people.

Wetland    A term including marshes, swamps, bogs, fens and most Coca-Cola League Two football clubs' gents toilets.

Whinery    Branch of Women's Lib.

Wheel Trims    Car wheel accessories. These come in sets of four, three for the wheels and one for propping up against walls at the side of the road.

White Van Syndrome    An affliction which affects anyone getting behind the wheel of a white transit van, which instantly transforms them from a normal, sane human being, into a belligerent, horn-blowing, foul-mouthed cretin with the charm of a rattlesnake and the I Q of an amoeba.

Whitney Houston    American pop diva. A very pretty lady who few men would knock out of the way to get at Dawn French. However her singing voice leaves men strictly divided, for whilst fifty per cent think she sounds like a cross between a foghorn, a banshee and a pig being castrated, the other fifty per cent think she's crap.

Wigwam    The sound made when Bruce Forsyth slaps his toupe on.

William Shakespeare     (1564-1616) English poet and dramatist. Responsible for Romeo and Juliet, Hamlet, A Midsummer Night's Dream, and millions of schoolchildren scratching their heads and saying to themselves "What the fuck is he on about?"

William The Conker    Illegitimate offspring of a man and a hole bored in a horse chestnut tree.

Windsor Castle     Chief royal residence, which in 1991 was partially damaged by fire. Prompt action by the local fire brigade, who quickly sprayed petrol on the blaze, failed to spread the conflagration further, unfortunately.

Woad    What Jonathon Ross dwives his woadster car along.

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart     (1764-1825) German composer. His many compositions include The Magic Flute, Eine kleine Nachtmusik and Music For Being Forced To Listen To When Put On Hold After Telephoning A Gas Or Electricity Company.

Woman-eating Tiger    Similar to a Man-eating Tiger, except that it is usually on a diet.

Wooden Horse of Troy, The    After a nine year siege of Troy by the Greek army, Odysseus finally secured a Greek victory with his ploy of building a huge wooden horse and hiding the cream of the Greek warriors inside. The Wooden Horse was in fact the third attempt to achieve this. The first had been The Woollen Horse of Troy, but it became unravelled whilst being pushed to Troy. Next in the frame was The Wooden House of Troy, but this proved too difficult to push. Finally came the successful Wooden Horse of Troy, and peraps a good thing too, as far as the Greek warriors inside were concerned, because next up was The Wooden Septic Tank of Troy.

World Series    A series of seven baseball games played annually in the United States of America, in which all 263 countries in the world compete, except for 262 of them.