"He understands
every word you say."
He was a dog. About this high. (INDICATES ONLY A FEW INCHES
HIGH) One of those vertical take off jobs.
"I say he knows every word you
say."
"Antedisestablishmentarianism."
"Stroke him. He likes being
stroked."
"I'd
rather not if you don't mind."
"It's all right, he won't bite you. Go
on."
(HE STROKES A
VERY SMALL DOG. IMMEDIATELY SNATCHES HIS HAND BACK TAKING THE DOG WITH IT AS IT
APPARENTLY BITES HIM.)
"Aaaaaaagh!"
"He's never done that before. Never. (WAGS FINGER AT THE DOG) "You
bad boy!" (PETER FLAPS
HIS HAND ABOUT, TRYING TO SHAKE THE DOG OFF) "He likes you!" (PETER'S HAND STOPS
FLAPPING AND HIS BODY STARTS TO FLAP) "See, he's pleased, he's wagging
you." (PETER MANAGES
TO PUSH THE DOG OFF WITH HIS OTHER HAND)
Yorkshire terrier it was. A yorkie. I'd
like to have stuffed a yorkie up its arse.They have a special category all to
themselves at Crufts. 'Nasty Little Bastards'. I used to wonder why the owners
always keep them well away from themselves in the parade ring ......(WALKS UP
AND DOWN PARADING A DOG, KEEPING IT WELL AWAY FROM HIMSELF)...It's in case it
bites them in the bollocks. Mind you anyone who walks up and down like that
with a farting little dog with a ribbon on its head deserves to have their
bollocks bitten. Have you ever watched Crufts on the telly and seen those
owners who dye their hair the same colour as their dog's and have it cut the
same? What's that all about? Who are the judges supposed to be judging? 'Yes,
good coat, classic rear, excellent bearing, nice pair of tits too.' They
needn't bother because all dog owners eventually get to look like their dogs.
Have you ever heard that? It's true. Tony Blair's got a shitehound. I'm
thinking of getting an Alsation so that when I get to look like one I can get a
job as a sniffer dog with the Drugs Squad. (BEHAVES LIKE A SNIFFER DOG. SNIFFS
SOMETHING SUSPICIOUS. ENTERS DREAMLAND) "I'm not quite sure what this is, I
shall need another hour or two to positively identify
it."
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