Why do dogs chase after cars? What’s
that all about? I mean what do they hope to do with a car if they ever manage to catch one? Eat it? (BITES ON A CAR.
REACTS AS THOUGH ALL HIS TEETH HAVE FALLEN OUT) I don’t think so. Shag them? Well if it’s a Rover they catch I
suppose they could. Perhaps they just want to bury it as if it was a bone? (STARTS DIGGING A HOLE WITH HIS HANDS, AS A DOG WOULD WITH ITS FRONT PAWS. PAUSES FOR A MOMENT. GAUGES THE SIZE OF THE CAR WITH HIS HANDS THEN CARRIES ON DIGGING, GRADUALLY SQUATTING DOWN LOWER AND LOWER. STOPS DIGGING AGAIN, POPS HIS HEAD OUT OF THE HOLE, LOOKS AT THE CAR, CARRIES ON DIGGING, SQUATTING EVER LOWER. WHEN HE HAS GOT AS LOW AS HE CAN HE STOPS DIGGING, CLIMBS OUT OF THE HOLE AND WALKS TO THE CAR, SOME FIVE YARDS AWAY. CLAMPS HIS JAW ON THE CAR’S BUMPER AND ATTEMPTS TO DRAG IT TO THE HOLE. CAN’T BUDGE IT AN INCH. GIVES UP AND STARTS TO DIG ANOTHER HOLE, NEXT TO THE CAR. GIVES UP)
Have you ever seen two dogs stuck together, arse to arse? It must be where Dr Doolittle got his idea for the Push
Me Pull Me. The Shag Me Shag Me. Because apparently it happens when they’re having the legover and they get too
excited and both try to get their legs over at the same time. The usual way to separate them is to throw a
bucket of water over them. “How about a bit, Fifi?” “Well all right Prince, but don’t get too excited so we
get stuck, I don’t want a bucket of water over me I’ve just had a clip at Classy Canines and it’ll ruin it.”
I was about eight when I first saw two dogs stuck together. (POINTS, OPEN-MOUTHED) “Look at them dogs Mum!
What are they doing?” “Playing bookends.” “Where’s the books?” “Shut it.”
And why do dogs always smell each other’s arses whenever they meet? I’ve heard of sniffer dogs but a dog’s
not going to find many drugs up another dog’s bottom is it? Round and round they go. (WALKS ROUND IN CIRCLES,
SNIFFING) “Don’t stop whatever you do or my nose will be so far up your arse it….(SUDDENLY STOPS) …Gnnfff!
I hought I hold you not to htop!”
They say that a dog’s sense of smell and sight are more heightened than ours. Well I can’t see its sense of
smell being all that high after smelling other dogs’ arses all day long; all it will be able to smell is
shit. Get one to have a sniff at a flower. “What’s that Fido?” (SNIFFS) “Shit.” Or an orange. (SNIFFS)
“Shit again.” Or a Big Mac. (SNIFFS) “ More shit.” Mind you it could be right there. And what’s all this rubbish
about their eyesight being better. My eyesight isn’t the best in the world but my I can see that my legs don’t
look like dogs. Dogs can’t, they think human legs look like dogs, otherwise why are they always trying to shag
them?
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