I went to the
funeral of a distant relative the other week. It's an odd expression that,
isn't it, distant relative. Like second cousin once removed. Second cousin once
removed from what? Your third cousin? Anyway my Uncle Sid wasn't all that
distant really, he only lived in Blackpool, and that isn't far from Bolton at
all. All the mourners were sat there in the chapel at the crem saying the sort
of things they always say at funerals.
"He's going to a better
place."
No he
isn't, he's going into the oven then up the chimney. He'll only go to a better
place if the wind's in the right direction and it blows him to The Bahamas. If
it's in the wrong direction he could end up in a worse place, he could end up
in Wigan or somewhere.
"Well at least he held on until his cold weather payment went into
the bank."
Yes and
a fat lot of good it's going to do him, isn't it? Auntie Annie from Colne was
there....
"We
haven't got to kneel have we? Because I'll never get up with my knees."
And
Uncle Grant.....
"Once he's through them curtains they'll have him out of that coffin
quicker than shit off a shovel and into a tea chest. Then they'll sell it back
to the undertaker. I've seen that coffin twenty seven times."
All Uncle Sid's
grandchildren were there. Texting each other. 'This is so not me.'
Cousin Annie, with her little boy.....
"Mam are...?"
"Shush."
"Mam are they...?"
"Shush!"
"Mam are they going to bury him or crucify
him?"
"I'll crucify
you if you don't shut it you little bugger."
Uncle Sid's four sons carried his coffin
down the aisle, tipped down at one corner and gently undulating because Cousin
Dwayne is about a foot shorter than the other three and Cousin Shane has a
limp. The whole event was being tastefully videoed by Six Feet Under Videos
...
"Can you take
him back outside and carry him down the aisle again just one more time, there
was an aeroplane in shot that time."
An aeroplane?
"That little boy's
tearing pages out of the hymn books and making aeroplanes out of them, you'll
need to keep him under control. Oh and bearers, is that as straight as you can
get that coffin because that wreath's going to fall off"
"I wish they'd get a move on, they'll have
me missing Countdown." That's my Auntie Hilda, six vowels, five consonants, no
brain. So they went
back outside and started carrying him down the aisle again and the music set
up. On tape, because you don't have to have hymns and the organ nowadays, you
can have anything you like. I went to one not long back where they played Elvis
Presley singing 'Burning Love' as the coffin went into the oven. Uncle Sid had
'Spirit in the Sky' and 'Everybody Hurts'. I don't know about everybody hurting
but Cousin Shane was certainly hurt when the wreath fell off the coffin and
Cousin Wayne bent over to pick it up and the coffin fell on his foot. When
'Everybody Hurts' ended we had a football commentary from the Reebok because
Cousin Wayne had taped over an old tape and restarted it in the wrong place so
there was, a goal, a sending off and shouts of 'The referee's a wanker' from
the crowd before 'Spirit in the Sky' started up. Then the vicar read the
eulogy. "He's only sleeping."
Yes but for how long? When it was all over we all went back to Auntie Glad's - all except
Auntie Annie from Colne, she was still on her knees in the Chapel, she got down
on them when the vicar mentioned Uncle Sid's brother, Neil - she saw two more
go to meet their maker before she managed to get up apparently. Auntie Glad had
put a finger buffet on. Vol-au-vents and little pork pies and stuff. Which came as
a surprise to Uncle Nobhead because he'd always thought a finger buffet meant picking your nose and chewing it.
Funny expression that, isn't it, finger buffet.
Knife and fork tea is another.'And then they all sat down to a knife and fork
tea.'
"Hey where's
my tea, there's just a knife and fork here."
"That's it, that's all you're getting, a
knife and a fork, get it down you."
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