| HAVE YOU PRESSED THE BUTTON? |
I was stood there
waiting for this lift. Tapping my foot impatiently, how you do. Waiting for a
lift to arrive is only slightly less boring than waiting for a bus to arrive,
and it's only slightly less boring because you know that when the lift
eventually arrives and the doors open there's just the slightest chance that in
the corner Michael Douglas will be having sex with Glenn Close. And there's
less chance of that happening on a bus. Just. So there I am, tapping my foot
impatiently, and this bloke comes along.
"Have you pressed the
button?"
Why do they do
it? Why do they think you're stood there?I didn't say anything. Just looked at
him.
"What are you looking at me
like that for?"
"Why else would
I be in front of a lift?"
"You
could be a liftspotter."
Not
worth an answer, was it.
"Well
you could be, I'm a trainspotter."
What a surprise. A few seconds later -
"Did you say you'd pressed the
button?"
"Well of course I
pressed the button! Look, look up there, it's coming down see,
twelve........eleven......"
"Sorry I hadn't spotted that. But then I'm not a lift
spotter."
"I'm not a fucking
lift spotter!"
The lift carried
on coming down......ten.....nine......we were on the sixth
floor.......eight....seven......then it went right past six and carried
on.....five.....four....
"I
thought you said you'd pressed the button?
"I did press the fucking button! "
The lift went all the way down to the ground
floor then started back up again. I
pressed the button again.
"I
thought you said you'd pressed the...."
"Fucking shut it!"
It
stopped at the sixth floor. The doors opened. Michael Douglas and Glenn Close
weren't having sex in it so we got on. I pressed two.
"What have you pressed 'two'
for?"
"Because I want go to the
second floor!"
"It's got to go
up to the top before it comes down again. "
I used the stairs. When I got down to the second
floor there was a bloke standing outside the lift. I went up to him. "Have you
pressed the button?"
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