I was in our Post
Office just before Christmas - our Post Office is in t'Late Shop, we used to
have a Post Office on its own but now it's in t'Late Shop. I think it's called
t'Late Shop because whenever you go there it makes you late for wherever you're
going next. Either that or it's because you're quite likely to die in the Post
Office queue and become the late Mr Kay or whoever. There are four serving
hatches in our Post Office, one open, three for show. After I'd been queuing
for about an hour there were just two left in front of me. First up was a woman
with a parcel. "I'd like to send this please."
Oh really? I thought you were just
carrying it round for fun.
"It's a Christmas present for my sister in Bristol, one of them
facial spas."
"Oh
they're very good them."
"Yes I know, I've tried it out, I'm
getting one for myself in the New Year when I've got my card down a
bit."
"Pop it on
the scales." She put it on the scales. "First class or second
class?"
"What's the
difference?"
Well
first class is first class and second class is second class you silly
cow.
"First class
is first class but second class takes four to five
days."
"What date
is it?"
" It's the
twelfth of December today."
She counts up on her fingers for about five
minutes.
"It'll
have to go first class then or it won't get there in time for
Christmas."
" No.
No there's loads of time for it to get there by Christmas second
class."
"I thought
you said it took forty five days ?"
"Four to five
days."
"Oh. I
thought you said......second class then."
"That'll be five pounds forty
two."
"I've already
put some stamps on but it won't be enough, I had these second class stamps by
me you see."
"How
many have you put on?"
"I don't know."
"We'll have to count them."
So they counted them.
"Nineteen. Is that
what you get?"
"I
get eighteen."
They
count them again.
"No, you were right, nineteen. "
"Are you sure? I got eighteen this
time."
"It's
nineteen!" That's me. "It's nineteen for Christ sake."
"There's no need to be
offensive."
"I
shan't serve him if I hear any more."
"So that's nineteen at twenty two
pee........." On her fingers again. "...that's four pounds eighteen. So I'll
have to give you another........ one pound fourteen."
"One pound twenty
four."
"What?
Fingers again. "Yes you're right, one pound twenty
four."
"No."
"What?"
"We've counted those second class stamps as twenty two pee and
they've gone up since you stuck them on, they're twenty three pee now, so
that's....."
It
only took another ten minutes. Next one up. "I want three twenty pound postal
orders....no four, four twenty pound postal orders."
The woman behind the counter looked at me. "Do you want
the ordinary ones?"
I said "Me?
I just want a first class stamp, love"
"You just asked me for postal orders."
"I didn't, it's this dwarf in front of me."
She leans over and looks down
at this dwarf. "Sorry Mr Roebuck love, I didn't see you there.
Do you want the ordinary postal
orders? Because we've got some seasonal ones with Christmas scenes if you
prefer."
"Er...
Three ordinary and one Christmas scene. Have you got any with the Nativity
on?"
"I'll just
show what we've got."
She disappears into the back, comes back about ten minutes later with
this board with about twenty Christmas postal orders pinned on it. "Sorry to
keep you waiting."
"It's
all right, I'm not doing anything."
I fucking am! She held the board up.
"Which one do you fancy?"
"I can't see them proper."
To me. "Would you mind holding him up so
he can see?"
So I
held him up.
"I can't
see any Nativity scenes."
"No.
This one with the robin on is nice."
"I don't like
birds."
"My
husband's not too keen either so we're having beef this year, yorkshire pudding
and all the trimmings, we like yorkshire pudding."
"I like yorkshire pudding myself."
"This is a nice
one, with the snowman."
"I don't like snowmen. Have you got any
with yorkshire pudding on?"
I felt a tap on my shoulder. "Excuse me, have you got the time mate?"
I turned my head to see who it was, and I don't know if you've ever had to turn
your head while you're holding up a dwarf...... but the dwarf turns with
you.
"I can't see
anything now," he said "I can't see the seasonal postal orders
now."
So I turned
to my front again.
"This one with the angels is nice."
"I don't like angels. Have you got any
with Father Christmas on?"
" I don't think so, I'll just check......no I'm afraid
not."
"I'll just
have four ordinary ones then."
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